The last few weeks (I think…) have been a hurricane of emotional, spiritual and real-life crises. Trauma is triggered all the time. Flashbacks, memories, alters all so confused, emotional and loud in the head. Need to find a home, NOW…its basically an emergency. It feels hopeless to me, but other people don’t think its hopeless. So confusing….not used to people who don’t even know me well treating me with such love and kindness. It really feels like the last few weeks have been a dream/nightmare. Both good and bad. Breaking me to a point I have nowhere to look but up. No one to talk to but Creator. Nothing to do but pray, and cry, and allow this body to shake and hold the teddy bear. Trying to give the body food, sleep, rest, warmth, gentleness, comfort. Past traumas are so triggered right now though, that the body doesn’t, or can’t believe it is safe. What does safety feel like? What does a safe home feel like? What is home? So broken that only Creator and the “ordinary angels” around me can keep me afloat. The strength in myself feels like its been drained out, drop by drop, like blood, like life. Creator, I pray for a home and the strength to do what I need to do to fulfill my purpose. And safety, whatever that looks like. I am broken into a million pieces. I need a miracles, maybe a lot of miracles…but I know miracles are real now, and I know if I stay on my path, I will see more.
Triggers and Flashbacks November 11, 2013
I just hate that word. It is so violent! I wish we could use neutral language to convey the concept of something in the present stirring up past trauma. But we don’t, and it is descriptive of the process.
So . . . something in the present can bring on a partial flashback, just part of the traumatic memory. It could be a sight, a sound, a smell, or an emotion. I’ll give some examples from my own experience.
In a car, I sometimes think I see a severed arm or leg on the side of the road. It’s really a stone or a trash bag, sometimes a blown tire. Anything brown will do. Sometimes I hear faint words; somebody calling my name or phrases I can’t quite make out. And sometimes I smell things that might or might not be there. This drives me nuts because I often find…
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Dealing with the Big Secret of Alters… February 19, 2013
This journey is so rough. Finally I have let the biggest secret of my life out, that there is not only one part inside me, and there are moments when it feels amazing and so relieving, but other moments when I get so terrified again that bad things will happen because we are starting to talk about this truth. We have been so scared to talk about it forever because any time we have hinted about it to anyone in the past, or talked about it generally it seems people get so uncomfortable or don’t believe that DID exists, or just don’t understand it at all so don’t want to hear about it. We have been dealing with this alone in our own head for many many years, and the only guidance we have gotten has been from our own research and from a very small group of people on the internet who are also DID (although even with them we didn’t admit we actually had alters too….). Letting this secret out, especially in the art work is very scary, but it is also very empowering too. I have been shocked this week at what supportive responses I have gotten from the people I have told.
The one thing we still wish we had soooo badly is a real person, here, in real life, who has experience with this, who can help explain and help us understand it all and work through it so it is not so difficult to handle day to day. All of the work that is happening to heal and deal with the anorexia, alters, and ritual abuse is being done alone, in our own head and its so hard and so exhausting. I wish so badly that there were therapists around who would be able to truly help us delve into all of this. All of the alters want desperately to heal, and are ready for it, but we can’t do it alone… We don’t want to put too much on our friends or make them too upset by talking about it, but we need someone we can really speak the honest TRUTH to, and have no on like that who lives near us. We have our friend Jeanne Sarson in Nova Scotia who works with survivors of Ritual Abuse and all sorts of torture and she is AMAZING, but we can only talk on the phone and by email and that is just not enough anymore…
I want to thank everyone who reads my blog and comments on it, it is so incredibly validating to know that so many people care about my story. Even though I don’t always respond to all the comments I read every one, and they make me feel better, so thank you!!!! My blog and my art work are my way of healing right now because I don’t have an expert therapist yet.
I am still working hard on myself. Working so hard on communicating on the inside with all the alters, and trying to figure out how to make them all feel safe and not be self-destructive anymore. Every day is a struggle but we are all just taking it minute by minute, hour by hour and that is working for now. Since the secret about the alters has finally come out, most of them feel better because they are FINALLY being acknowledged, and that is good progress I think. Not sure how people deal with healing from ritual abuse when they have alters at all, I am feeling lost in this respect, but I am holding out hope that good help and support will come soon….
Cassie (one of the alters)
Can’t Keep this in anymore February 16, 2013
I have been forced to keep so so many secrets throughout my entire life, and there is one secret that has been extremely hard for me… and I just can’t keep it anymore. I have always been afraid to talk about this secret because I am scared people won’t believe me, won’t understand, will think I am lying, or will think I am crazy. But this secret is real and it is the truth. And it is coming up so very much in the past little while, I can’t keep it inside any longer. I have to be so careful how and who I talk about it with, but I refuse to be silent about it anymore, and honestly I really can’t be silent about it anymore, I don’t think it is possible…
So here it is…. I have othere “parts” or “alters” inside of me. Those are the terms I like to use the most, which make me feel the most comfortable. Not “pieces” or “personalities” please. I have not been formally diagnosed by a doctor with DID because I haven’t talked to any mental health professionals about it, it hasn’t been safe. But I have been aware of it for years, although it has always been confusing and frustrating to deal with all alone, and I have tried to push it away and pretend its not real. When that never worked I just got quite good at hiding when my alters switched so that most people in my life have never caught on to the fact that this is my reality every day (except when I am too medicated that I am a zombie).
Anyway…. this is the beginning of my secret coming out. I don’t know how much I will be able to share or write about it on my blog because of safety issues, but I have been feeling like I am going to explode with the pressure of keeping this secret inside for so long. I hope you understand…. Please feel free to comment and ask questions if you don’t understand and want to try. Thank you for reading, this has been very empowering to write.