This journey is so rough. Finally I have let the biggest secret of my life out, that there is not only one part inside me, and there are moments when it feels amazing and so relieving, but other moments when I get so terrified again that bad things will happen because we are starting to talk about this truth. We have been so scared to talk about it forever because any time we have hinted about it to anyone in the past, or talked about it generally it seems people get so uncomfortable or don’t believe that DID exists, or just don’t understand it at all so don’t want to hear about it. We have been dealing with this alone in our own head for many many years, and the only guidance we have gotten has been from our own research and from a very small group of people on the internet who are also DID (although even with them we didn’t admit we actually had alters too….). Letting this secret out, especially in the art work is very scary, but it is also very empowering too. I have been shocked this week at what supportive responses I have gotten from the people I have told.
The one thing we still wish we had soooo badly is a real person, here, in real life, who has experience with this, who can help explain and help us understand it all and work through it so it is not so difficult to handle day to day. All of the work that is happening to heal and deal with the anorexia, alters, and ritual abuse is being done alone, in our own head and its so hard and so exhausting. I wish so badly that there were therapists around who would be able to truly help us delve into all of this. All of the alters want desperately to heal, and are ready for it, but we can’t do it alone… We don’t want to put too much on our friends or make them too upset by talking about it, but we need someone we can really speak the honest TRUTH to, and have no on like that who lives near us. We have our friend Jeanne Sarson in Nova Scotia who works with survivors of Ritual Abuse and all sorts of torture and she is AMAZING, but we can only talk on the phone and by email and that is just not enough anymore…
I want to thank everyone who reads my blog and comments on it, it is so incredibly validating to know that so many people care about my story. Even though I don’t always respond to all the comments I read every one, and they make me feel better, so thank you!!!! My blog and my art work are my way of healing right now because I don’t have an expert therapist yet.
I am still working hard on myself. Working so hard on communicating on the inside with all the alters, and trying to figure out how to make them all feel safe and not be self-destructive anymore. Every day is a struggle but we are all just taking it minute by minute, hour by hour and that is working for now. Since the secret about the alters has finally come out, most of them feel better because they are FINALLY being acknowledged, and that is good progress I think. Not sure how people deal with healing from ritual abuse when they have alters at all, I am feeling lost in this respect, but I am holding out hope that good help and support will come soon….
Cassie (one of the alters)