Cherish Freedom

My Healing Journey From Mormon Ritual Abuse To Freedom

the kid next door December 18, 2013

Filed under: My Story,Poetry,PTSD,Ritual Abuse,Torture — cherishfreedom @ 2:04 pm
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confusion grips the mind

dark clouds of fog

electric bursts

brain bursts

voice has been strangled

the evil ones draw near

as we scream silently for help

nobody ever hears

memories more real

than when the body was there

blood on the floor

blood on the wall

blood on the christmas tree

what is reality

cuz this is hell

always in a nightmare

far away but you’re so near

pray, pray, pray the devil away

pray the demons back to hell

but why do they linger

confusion, dark fog

can we sleep

and never wake up

torture is real

happens next door

but the world doesn’t care

about the kids dying

dying in every way

they know a different kind of love

their hope is death

the holidays are survival

reliving, remembering

as hope fades again

sleep, sleep, sleep,

it will be ok one day

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Living in Trauma Mode November 30, 2013

Filed under: DID,My Story,PTSD — cherishfreedom @ 5:46 pm
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The last few weeks (I think…) have been a hurricane of emotional, spiritual and real-life crises. Trauma is triggered all the time. Flashbacks, memories, alters all so confused, emotional and loud in the head. Need to find a home, NOW…its basically an emergency. It feels hopeless to me, but other people don’t think its hopeless. So confusing….not used to people who don’t even know me well treating me with such love and kindness. It really feels like the last few weeks have been a dream/nightmare. Both good and bad. Breaking me to a point I have nowhere to look but up. No one to talk to but Creator. Nothing to do but pray, and cry, and allow this body to shake and hold the teddy bear. Trying to give the body food, sleep, rest, warmth, gentleness, comfort. Past traumas are so triggered right now though, that the body doesn’t, or can’t believe it is safe. What does safety feel like? What does a safe home feel like? What is home? So broken that  only Creator and the “ordinary angels” around me can keep me afloat. The strength in myself feels like its been drained out, drop by drop, like blood, like life. Creator, I pray for a home and the strength to do what I need to do to fulfill my purpose. And safety, whatever that looks like. I am broken into a million pieces. I need a miracles, maybe a lot of miracles…but I know miracles are real now, and I know if I stay on my path, I will see more.

 

Miracles are Real November 27, 2013

Filed under: Ex-Mormon,Healing,My Story,PTSD,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 7:39 am
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To tell the truth, it is a miracle that I am alive today…. The last few weeks (at least) have been utter hell, with the depression, hopelessness, fear, flashbacks, insomnia and anorexia just out of control. I was planning to kill myself. This is my 101st post on my blog….post number 100 was going to be my “goodbye” letter to the world…. But Creator heard my cries of desperation and stepped in….I have met some people this week who have given me a new hope, something I have never really tried before… I didn’t believe good people existed in the world anymore, but Creator heard my cries for help, for friends, for love, for hope and strength to stay alive. And I am alive. And last night two of my new friends came to see me because I was in need…I couldn’t ask because I feel like a burden to everyone, but she knew I needed someone to come over, and she brought another amazing new friend with her. These people believe in miracles, and they make me believe in miracles… They exemplify love in their actions and words. My heart has been softened and opened up. Creator knew I needed a miracle. I am getting more than just one miracle. I am getting many small miracles of hope every day. I honestly don’t know why I am still alive writing this today…except for a miracle. Of new hope, of something I have never been open to trying before. All I can believe is that Creator has heard my cries and is sending his angels on earth to reach out to me. Thank you so much. Thank you to all of you…. I don’t want to die, I want a happy, free life. Thank you Creator for hearing my cries and keeping me alive. For all these years…. Small miracles, but miracles all the same. I am still here!

 

Being Multiple Means Keeping Secrets February 20, 2013

Filed under: DID,Healing,My Story — cherishfreedom @ 8:02 pm
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You know what really sucks? That almost everyone in the world who isn’t multiple seems to be scared of us who are. Maybe they aren’t scared of the idea of it, in fact most people seem to be fascinated by it and want to learn about it. But actually learning that someone they know is multiple scares them quite a bit. And if they actually see the alters, and realize that they are alters (ESPECIALLY if the alters introduce themselves and act “weird”- meaning too far outside of “normal socially acceptable behavior”) then most of them will totally freak out and go running and screaming in the opposite direction…. It’s no wonder people like me, multiples, keep their alters a secret from almost everyone they know….

My alters are so frustrated right now by this reality. They want so badly to come out, to be acknowledged by at least some people, and to be called by THEIR names, not the name that was given the body at birth… There is the core part still called by that name, but there are more than 12 others, and we all want to be heard and validated. We have started the process and we don’t want to have to pretend anymore!!!

Today one of our child alters came out and she was very happy and excited. She wanted to play but our cat was really bothering her. To make a long story short, one of our neighbors saw her, recognized that something was amiss, and she told them her name, Anna…. It scared this woman quite a lot. She says everything is fine now and we have talked about it and I believe her that everything is good. But we are all scared, and we just know that we can’t be obvious at all when we come out. We are fairly good at that, we have been practicing our whole lives, but we WANT TO BE OURSELVES!!!! And our living situation is one in which we run into people regularly, even when we are trying to avoid others….

I think the hardest part for us will not be dealing with all of the part of US, but dealing with the outside world in a way that feels safe and ok, while still being allowed to be authentic and happy…. We don’t want to keep secrets anymore, we don’t want to tell lies to pretend we are not multiple anymore…Many of us want at least some people to know our names and who we are- our likes and dislikes, what we have been through, how we help each other and work together…. Just DON’T WANT TO KEEP SECRETS ANYMORE!!!!

And being multiple means you have to keep lots and lots and LOTS of secrets……

 

Dealing with the Big Secret of Alters… February 19, 2013

Filed under: DID,Healing,My Story,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 6:19 pm
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This journey is so rough. Finally I have let the biggest secret of my life out, that there is not only one part inside me, and there are moments when it feels amazing and so relieving, but other moments when I get so terrified again that bad things will happen because we are starting to talk about this truth. We have been so scared to talk about it forever because any time we have hinted about it to anyone in the past, or talked about it generally it seems people get so uncomfortable or don’t believe that DID exists, or just don’t understand it at all so don’t want to hear about it. We have been dealing with this alone in our own head for many many years, and the only guidance we have gotten has been from our own research and from a very small group of people on the internet who are also DID (although even with them we didn’t admit we actually had alters too….). Letting this secret out, especially in the art work is very scary, but it is also very empowering too. I have been shocked this week at what supportive responses I have gotten from the people I have told.

 

The one thing we still wish we had soooo badly is a real person, here, in real life, who has experience with this, who can help explain and help us understand it all and work through it so it is not so difficult to handle day to day. All of the work that is happening to heal and deal with the anorexia, alters, and ritual abuse is being done alone, in our own head and its so hard and so exhausting. I wish so badly that there were therapists around who would be able to truly help us delve into all of this. All of the alters want desperately to heal, and are ready for it, but we can’t do it alone… We don’t want to put too much on our friends or make them too upset by talking about it, but we need someone we can really speak the honest TRUTH to, and have no on like that who lives near us. We have our friend Jeanne Sarson in Nova Scotia who works with survivors of Ritual Abuse and all sorts of torture and she is AMAZING, but we can only talk on the phone and by email and that is just not enough anymore…

 

I want to thank everyone who reads my blog and comments on it, it is so incredibly validating to know that so many people care about my story. Even though I don’t always respond to all the comments I read every one, and they make me feel better, so thank you!!!!  My blog and my art work are my way of healing right now because I don’t have an expert therapist yet.

 

I am still working hard on myself. Working so hard on communicating on the inside with all the alters, and trying to figure out how to make them all feel safe and not be self-destructive anymore. Every day is a struggle but we are all just taking it minute by minute, hour by hour and that is working for now. Since the secret about the alters has finally come out, most of them feel better because they are FINALLY being acknowledged, and that is good progress I think. Not sure how people deal with healing from ritual abuse when they have alters at all, I am feeling lost in this respect, but I am holding out hope that good help and support will come soon….

 

Cassie (one of the alters)