Cherish Freedom

My Healing Journey From Mormon Ritual Abuse To Freedom

The Pace Memo- Ritual Abuse Within the Mormon Church January 6, 2014

Filed under: Abuse,Ex-Mormon,Mormonism,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 9:17 am
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Cherish Freedom

I will let this website link speak for itself, as I am quite emotional about this topic at the moment. All I have to say is, this is what happened to me. It is real. The mormon church has been covering it up for decades. I am sharing this information on my blog because I know that there are other women somewhere out there who are also trying to escape this torture and abuse, and I want them to know they are not alone… I also want people in our world to know that things like this really do happen.

To anyone who doesn’t believe this, that is fine. I am not trying to convince people who are not interested. My purpose is to educate people who ARE interested, and hopefully to reach out to other women who have also been abused as I have.

Here is the link to…

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I don’t understand November 11, 2013

Filed under: Ex-Mormon,Mormonism,PTSD,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 3:48 pm
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Dear Creator,

I am so confused about everything these days. It feels like there is a huge void inside of me. A hole that maybe can’t be fixed. Where have you been? I believe in you Creator, but where have you been? I try to talk to you all the time, every day, I need help so badly. Can’t find that help in other people. I can’t find it in myself alone. What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I feel hope, peace, love, freedom? Where are you Creator? Where are you all those hours I am praying, crying, and so confused I don’t even have words. The anguish feels like it should kill me alone, and I am surprised it doesn’t. They hurt everything about my relationship to you, and to myself. I loathe myself, and I don’t really understand why. I can’t trust, can’t let love in, can’t assume the best of humans… I want to know you Creator. Other people talk about their relationship with you, and I just feel….empty. Unlovable. I don’t know if you, or anyone/anything is even there. I sometimes I think I am crazy when I pray because there is no creator, not who loves me anyway.  They perverted and confused everything about spirituality, and nothing makes sense anymore. I am exhausted. If you are there Creator, why can’t I feel you? What is wrong with me?

 

I will never forget this sweet girl and her little sister October 19, 2013

November 28, 1994- October 21, 1998

I will be lighting a candle for Rebecca on the fifteenth anniversary of her murder, this Monday, October 21. It will burn all day and into the night. I had an idea, that if any of you would also like to light a candle for Rebecca and all the other child victims of ritual abuse, we might have a lot of candles for her this year… It would be amazing to hear if any of you are interested in doing this with me, and also maybe we can share our experience a little bit. Every year I remember Rebecca on my own in a special way, but it would be amazing if other people remembered her and her story with me. She is in a better place. I know Rebecca is ok now, but this day has become, for me, a day to also remember the other children who have suffered and died at the hands of monsters. Thank you so much everyone! Rebecca’s beautiful smile must be so much brighter wherever she is.
Love, Cherish Freedom

 

Mormon Tithing Slip October 12, 2013

Filed under: Ex-Mormon,Mormonism,Photos — cherishfreedom @ 9:32 am
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Mormon Tithing Slip

What is the world coming to??? How is a CULT still trying to run U.S. government? I’m scared….

and what does Perpetrual mean? Lmfao

 

Making Moms Evil December 11, 2012

Filed under: Abuse,Ex-Mormon,Mormonism,My Story,PTSD,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 4:07 pm
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Grieving for my mom, for never having a mom, for the abuses and the betrayals and the neglect. She was not a mom, was never a mom, could never be a mom, was never allowed to be a mom, was never capable of being a mom. And all I needed was a good mom. And what I need right now is a mom, but its way too late, that will never happen. And I am so full of rage and grief and hatred at my mom and my family but mostly right now at the Mormon church and the cult within it- the cult I was raised in and my mom was raised in and my grandparents were raised in… Women mean nothing to them…. we mean less than nothing, we are not human, we are baby-makers. How can women be good moms if they are not allowed to even be human beings? Then, in the cult, they are hurt and abused and tortured since birth, forced to get married and have their own children, only to torture them and keep them in the cult and in the cycle.

 

It is not totally my mom’s fault… I know it isn’t…. I still hate her, still have flashbacks and memories and nightmares. Her cruelty and manipulation still went above and beyond… Forgiveness is a long way off… in fact I have been having new memories (or memories I haven’t thought about in a LONG time) about my mom’s abuses, which are fucking me up hardcore…

 

But the Mormon church and the cult are the ones who do not allow women to be humans. Who force them to hurt their children. Who force them to marry and have too many children. Who give no value to them other than as wives to men and mothers to children (but how can they ever be good mothers if they are not allowed to be full humans, full women, and equal to men as we supposedly are??).

 

My mother tortured me. She abused me in every way possible, and she is evil, what they did to her turned her evil and into something less than human. They took her soul. I hate her, but I hate the Mormon church and the cult more, because those institutions are what has allowed all the abuse in my life to happen. They turned my mother evil, she wasn’t born that way. They tortured her so much that she broke, and part of her soul left and she turned evil and has caused pain and grief ever since. And years later, what they did to her, and what she did to me is haunting me, haunting me haunting me….All the fucking time…. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. I wish I had a real mom…

 

Newspaper Article Quoting my Abuser Grandmother….. December 4, 2012

Just found this newspaper article I have never seen before… So fucking triggered and angry and I don’t even give a fuck the world should fucking know…. Dorothy Wight is my grandma and she is a fucking lying, abusive, evil person who is involved in the cult and will die soon and go to hell…. I lived with her and my grandpa Deloy in Mountain View and that’s where I met Rebecca and Sarah, Ferosa and Todd, and that is also where I was fucking abused in the cult by my grandparents. That is where the cult is huge and gets away with whatever the fuck they want, and no one does anything about it, kind of like Utah. Fuck you grandma, here it is….. You’re a fucking liar…. You’re a fucking abuser….

What a great surprise, finding this particular newspaper article from 1999 today….. And the cult is still getting away with whatever they fuck they want because no one with power to stop it believes people like me.

Ex-neighbors baffled over child’s death
Friends call Mom accused in beating ‘loving’

Dorothy Wight remembers how close Todd and Ferosa Bluff were as a family.

After the couple moved to the tiny town of Mountain View, Alberta, Canada, in 1996, Wight and her husband became their LDS home teachers. They visited the Bluffs on a monthly basis and offered to baby sit whenever the couple needed them.But “they didn’t go very long without their children,” Wight said. In almost two years, they only asked her to baby sit their two daughters four times, although they lived three blocks away and had become good friends.

“They were a young couple. They acted very loving towards each other and towards the children. They had a clean, beautiful house and seemed to take care of everything,” Wight said.

Which is why nothing that happened a month after Ferosa Bluff and her daughters moved to Utah makes sense to Wight.

It was Oct. 22, 1998, when 3-year-old Rebecca Bluff was found dead in the Holladay apartment her mother shared with Andrew and Suzanne Fedorowicz, a couple Ferosa Bluff had met in Canada several years earlier.

The three adults in the apartment told investigators the child had fallen down a flight of stairs the day before. They told police they didn’t think anything was wrong with her until she threw up after complaining of a stomachache, then fainted twice after being placed in a tub full of cold water, court documents state. She never regained consciousness after fainting the second time.

But an autopsy revealed the girl’s death had been caused by “multiple, non-accidental, blunt force injuries,” which prosecutors say amounts to torture.

The medical examiner concluded the child had been repeatedly assaulted — both sexually and physically — over a period of 24 to 72 hours using blunt, sharp objects. The girl had bruises all over her body, including her head, buttocks, genitals, and soles of her feet. There were also markings on her arms and ankles that indicated she had been restrained.

“Rebecca would have been in great pain during that entire time, and . . . she would have had substantial difficulty standing, sitting or lying down,” the charges state. “These injuries caused such profuse bleeding into and between the layers of the soft tissues of the body that Rebecca died from acute blood loss.”

During a search of the apartment, police found a “cat-o’-nine-tails-like cord” and a videotape showing Ferosa Bluff and Suzanne Fedorowicz involved in acts using a cat-o’-nine-tails whip, prosecutors say.

The medical examiner concluded that “the markings on the buttocks of Rebecca’s body were consistent with having been made by the cat-o’-nine device,” the charges state.

A week after Rebecca’s death, Ferosa Bluff, 27, Andrew G. Fedorowicz, 46, and Suzanne M. Fedorowicz, 46, were charged with murder, a first-degree felony; child abuse and sexual abuse of a child, both second-degree felonies. Prosecutors dropped charges against Suzanne Fedorowicz after both Ferosa Bluff and Andrew Fedorowicz waived a preliminary hearing in January.

Ferosa Bluff is being held at the Salt Lake County Jail on $200,000 bail, and Andrew Fedorowicz is being held on $500,000 bond. A jury trial for them is scheduled to begin Tuesday.

Through her attorneys, Ferosa Bluff has maintained that she had no part in injuring her daughter.

“There’s no direct evidence linking her with the crime she is charged with,” said her former defense attorney, Steve McCaughey, during a court hearing last year. “I don’t think anybody really knows what happened.”

Among those who knew the accused before they were charged, Jayne McHugh was stunned when she learned of Rebecca’s death.

In the early 1990s, McHugh, 39, and her husband, Shane, 41, were close friends and neighbors with Andrew Fedorowicz and his then-wife Brenda. The couples met at a church-owned cannery where they volunteered labor to prepare food that was distributed to the needy. They attended church in the same Toronto LDS ward and socialized frequently in each other’s homes.

Later, when the McHugh family grew to three children, the Fedorowiczes were frequent baby sitters.

“He was wonderful with the children. We never had any problems and we never worried about leaving them because he was a pediatric nurse,” she said. “If something had happened to me or my husband, it was agreed our kids would have gone to Andy and Brenda. To think of that now turns me cold.”

The two couples lost touch shortly after Andy and Brenda Fedorowicz divorced. The McHughs said they felt less comfortable around Andy’s second wife, Suzanne, also a nurse.

“(Andy) changed after he met her, big time,” Jayne McHugh said.

It was about the same time that McHugh remembers Andy Fedorowicz drifting away from the LDS Church, which he had joined as an adult. McHugh remembers Fedorowicz as being a faithful church member who possessed a strong interest in missionary and fellowship work. It was partly through that kind of outreach that he became close to Suzanne, later baptizing her into the church, McHugh said.

But Fedorowicz also had some of his “own” ideas about the LDS faith — ideas he said were tied to writings by early church prophets Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, according to McHugh. Fedorwicz would discuss those beliefs at length and in great detail, she said.

Fedorowicz’s teachings in his Toronto ward’s Sunday School caused concern among the membership, and he was released from his position, McHugh recalls.

It was in those classes that Fedorowicz befriended a young Todd Bluff, whose parents also attended the same Toronto ward, McHugh said.

“But I didn’t know that Andy was in contact with Todd as an adult, or that they had lived together in Mountain View,” she said.

McHugh last saw Todd Bluff at the Toronto temple with his mother — just weeks before he married Ferosa in 1991.

After the marriage, Todd and Ferosa Bluff moved to Mountain View, a town with a population of about 150 near the Montana border, where Todd worked in a nearby cheese factory. The couple lived there until last summer, when Ferosa Bluff moved to Salt Lake City.

A native of South Africa, Ferosa Bluff had lived in Toronto most of her life, McCaughey said. She attended nursing school in Toronto and earned a degree from the Toronto School of Business.

About the same time the Bluffs married in 1991, the McHughs saw Andy Fedorowicz for the last time. Shane McHugh helped Fedorowicz fix his car. The next they heard, Andy and Suzanne Fedorowicz had moved to Florida.

The Bluffs told Wight they were planning to move to Salt Lake City and that Ferosa Bluff was going ahead to get established. “I think (Todd) would have eventually followed. I had no reason to believe that they were anything but happy together. I don’t think she left him,” Wight said.

Prior to leaving Mountain View, Ferosa Bluff asked Wight to baby sit for a few days while she came to Salt Lake City to apply for a job. Later, Ferosa Bluff changed her mind. The Fedorowiczes came from Salt Lake City to get her, and she said she and her daughters would be staying with them.

“When she decided to take the children with her, I thought that was the solution to that problem. We had no reason to be suspicious of anything at all,” Wight said.

She didn’t visit the Bluffs after August 1998, but did visit with Todd Bluff whenever she saw him at the grocery store. When Todd Bluff returned from Salt Lake City after getting custody of his 2-year-old daughter, Sarah, in November, he called her. Salt Lake County Sheriff’s detectives investigated whether Sarah had also been victimized, but found nothing on which to subtantiate charges.

“He sounded quite well under the circumstances,” Wight said. “There’s a lot of people in the town who will help him and be supportive to help him get through this, if he allows them. Everybody will help take care of Sarah, I’m sure. She needs some stability.”

 

Being Silenced September 19, 2012

Filed under: Abuse,Mormonism,My Story,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 3:40 pm
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I want to go back to the city/town I lived in as a child (from age 10-17) and visit a whole bunch of the mormon church members there. There are so many unanswered questions I have. From many of them, the most involved cult members, I will never get any answers, and I would never speak with them anyway- there would be no point to speak to so-called humans as evil as they are. The mormons I do want to speak to are the ones who knew me as a teenager, when the abuse was at its most severe, and when I was going through the most hellish period of my life. The mormons who knew about the abuse and yet covered it up. Who did nothing, who silenced me, who were involved in the cult in a peripheral way, or not at all, but who I asked for help and they turned their backs on me.

 

My teenage years were not in any way what one could call “normal”. My first psych ward admission was at the age of 12, and that was to an adult psych ward because there was no adolescent psych ward anywhere near us. Between the ages of 12 and 17 I must have been admitted to that (and a few other) pych wards more than 20 times. This obviously made normal schooling impossible. I was technically enrolled from grades 9-12 at the same public high school, but did more than half of my schooling in hospital in distance learning books, or from homework sent home from teachers. I was the “crazy girl” at school, which I didn’t mind, I wasn’t there much anyway. I was a loner, my two friends were the deaf girl and the witch, hahaha. And when I was there I skipped class to cry in the bathroom. I was what they call “emo” before that existed (but with too-short thrift store clothes and long blonde mormon hair!!!).  Oh yeah, and I ran away from the abuse at home ALL the time, so I would be bounced from my parents house, grandparents house, friends houses, other mormons/cult members houses, Child Welfare placements, youth shelters, and psych wards…… from age 12-17…..

 

So that was my teenage years in a nutshell….I need to take a breath now!!!

 

As some of you know, I’ve been fucking ANGRY lately with all of the memories of abuse that won’t stop tormenting me. Right now I am angry not only at my actual abusers, but at those who could have and should have rescued or protected me, and didnt. I want to understand why??? Many of those people knew for a fact what was going on. Many of those people WITNESSED abuse happening, and actively worked to keep it covered up so it would never bring shame upon mormons or the mormon church. Many others I TOLD, even begged for help, and in so many ways they silenced me and betrayed me. Kept me and any other children silent and trapped and still being abused. I wish I could go right now and confront all of these people… I have a list of them in my journal… I wish I could talk to them face to face, tell them the impact they have had on me, and all of those other children. But, if they could do what they did then, they probably wouldn’t care anyway…