Cherish Freedom

My Healing Journey From Mormon Ritual Abuse To Freedom

Fuck the Police… September 25, 2012

Filed under: My Story — cherishfreedom @ 10:31 pm
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Got a phone call today from this girl from the police victim services in my city… This is probably about the fourth time I’ve talked to her on the phone, and I honestly don’t know why she calls me. I don’t know what the point of the victim services here is. Apparently they are all volunteers and all they do is offer telephone support and refer you to services in the community that might help you (like counselling or something). Before this girl started calling me every week or two it was a guy that was calling me for like a month every week and at this point I feel like they’re fucking harrassing me. They don’t and can’t do shit for me, they know that, I’ve told them that. The city I live in has very VERY limited resources, and I have tried them all, the resources I am already accessing are the best and the only ones that will work for me. In fact, I informed these two volunteers of at least five different “resources” that they didnt even know about… They are both young, you can tell that by their voices, and they don’t know shit about the real world, I can tell that by the conversations I’ve had with them. All fucking optimistic, thinking the cops are gonna help me, thinking I’m gonna magically feel happy, it fucking pisses me off…. Finally the guy stopped calling me after I was pretty blunt with him about not wanting to talk to him. But fuck man, this girl starts calling me a week later…. I have been talking to them a bit, but my purpose is not to get “emotional support” (even though that may be what they think they are giving me…), it is to educate them on how FUCKED UP the police system really is. I tell them parts of my story to let them know that there are people like me who have been totally fucked around and victimized even more by the cops, THE COPS ARE NOT ALWAYS THE FUCKING GOOD GUYS….. I told the girl today that its a lie we are all told when we are kids…that if somebody hurts us it is wrong and we should go to the police and the police will get the bad person who hurt us. That’s a straight up lie we tell kids. The cops don’t help abuse victims… that’s why the reporting statistics are so fucking low, the victims know the chances of justice are so slim.

As to why some chipper, naive, young, victim services volunteers keep harrassing me by phone…. that’s because the cop I was speaking to here referred me to them and then never got back to me with the information she was supposedly getting for me. Long story, but this cop was trying to find out why the cops in the province I lived in my whole life have never ever helped me in all my dealings with them over the past 14 years. She got a bunch of information, but there was more…. it was fuckedĀ  up…..anyway… I haven’t heard from her in a couple months. I guess she figures victim services is good enough. Cops aren’t gonna help me no matter what I do.

Yes, I have a really huge issue with the police, the whole police system, the way it works. And specifically my dealings with them throughout my life. I have tried so many times to report abuse to them and they’ve called me crazy and a liar. Literally. Pretty much every time. I do know that much. I hate the police. They have traumatized and victimized me so much more than I was already being traumatized and victimized.

And now this cop in my new city, saying she was going to do just a small thing, get information for me. And she can’t even do that. No contact. Refer me to victim services. To these well-meaning but completely naive and annoying kids who keep calling and harrassing me. Fuck its annoying. I just wish that the cops would help…. I WANT justice. I WANT them to do something. I WANT some guidance and support as to what the fuck I am supposed to do to get these incompetent assholes to do something…. Fourteen YEARS of the cops calling me crazy and a liar….. Yeah I’m fucking mad…

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Shouldn’t be Scared to Speak Out… June 8, 2012

Filed under: Healing — cherishfreedom @ 8:51 pm
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Sometimes I feel so small, speaking out against the abuse I have suffered, and I get so scared. I have been called crazy and a liar my whole life. The people calling me crazy and a liar, many of them are supposedly “credible”. My story sounds too hard to believe to some people, and I know most people would rather not believe it. Rebecca’s story sounds too hard to belive too… but she is gone, and nobody can deny what happened to her. The problem is, nobody really investigated the full story. And after listening to the parole hearing, I feel scared all over again about the repercussions of speaking out against my abusers. I have been threatened many times and in many different ways… The truth is supposed to set you free, but as I know from my experiences with the police, justice is not always served… The truth does not always come out. People do not aways believe the truth. People do not always help the victims. The victims are often (maybe even ususally) too scared to speak out. And definately too scared to speak out publicly. I am feeling very nervous about my blog tonight, and fighting that feeling because I have a right to tell my story! It’s just that they have hurt me in so many ways in the past, and I am NEVER sure what they will do next…

It should be safe to just tell my story, shouldn’t it??? I am so frustrated that I feel this anxious about speaking the truth… I am not even identifying myself or my abusers, but I am still scared. What to do…

 

And I’m Supposed to Trust WHY??? June 7, 2012

Filed under: My Story — cherishfreedom @ 3:41 pm
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How am I supposed to trust when, my whole life the people everyone told me to trust betrayed me? The people children should trust most were the ones who hurt me most. My parents, extended family, clergy, religious teachers, babysitters, doctors, and a counsellor were abusers. Many many others knew of the abuse when I was still a child… I told people in the mental health system and the child welfare system, as well as the police numerous times. I told teachers at public schools. I told friends and their parents. As a child NOBODY, except one friend’s mother, stepped in to try and rescue me… Yes, I was taken into foster care at age 13, and was in and out of care for four years. But nobody in the child welfare system, police system, or mental health system did anything to protect me, so as far as I know NOBODY believed me, even though I was screaming out for help in so many ways for years as a child.

As an adult, I have still been screaming out for help. I have never stopped telling my story. I have found more and more supports in my life. Finally people understand me and my situation… but they are still not the people who have power to stop it and protect me and the other children who are still being abused. The people who believe me and are helping me now are psychiatrists, therapists, social workers, support workers, and some VERY good new friends!!! But the situation is still the same. The abusers have gotten away with the past abuses against me and are still getting away with abusing others because no one is stopping them.

I don’t know what to do about the lack of response on the part of Child Welfare and the Police to respond to my situation in particular, and situations of abuse like mine in general… I am at a loss at this point. It is absolutely appalling the way my case and my family’s case was handled by the child protection workers where we lived… that is a long story however. The police is what is really baffling to me. When the police choose to disregard someone for 13 years because they label them as “mentally ill”, what does that person do??? I do have mental health issues as a result of the lifelong trauma, torture, and abuse I suffered- it’s called PTSD. I have never denied I have these issues. It would be pretty strange if I was perfectly fine after being abused in a cult for 26 years… fuck…

Any suggestions???

 

My Struggle With the Police June 6, 2012

Filed under: My Story — cherishfreedom @ 8:36 am
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I found out some information yesterday about all of the many many times I have contacted the police trying to get help to escape the abuse. Since I was 13 years old I have trying to get away and get help. Since I was 13 years old I have been telling the SAME story. It hasn’t always been the whole story, it wasn’t always safe to tell everything, and I wasn’t able to tell everything either.

My whole life my family (my abusers) have been calling me crazy and telling EVERYONE around me that I am crazy, this has been their way of disrcrediting me should I ever tell my story. It has always worked, no one ever believed me, and I realised just how much this has affected my life yesterday…

I knew the police thought I was mentally ill and that was a big part of the reason that they haven’t helped me in the past. But I found out that my “mental health issues” are pretty much the ONLY reason they have refused to help me, and also that they have NO grounds besides their own assesment of me in states of crisis to judge me as mentally ill. They didn’t talk to any of my MANY psychiatrists, doctors, mental health workers, counsellors, or outreach workers. They just saw that I was acting anxious, suicidal, irrational, and saying things that were pretty intense about abuse that had happened to me. Then they ran my name and saw that cops in the past had red flagged me–“MENTAL HEALTH!!!!!”. That was their excuse to do the same.

Instead of police officers helping me, supporting me after a sexual assault and taking me to the hospital, they done a number of things in the past:

-not shown up after i called 911 for over an hour

-called me crazy

-called me a liar

– taken me to the hospital, not for a rape kit, but forcibly to have a psychiatric assesment done and be admitted to the psych ward

-threatened to charge me with filing a false complaint and/or mischief if i called them again

– told the sexual assualt team at the hospital when they took me there that i was making it up

I know that these things have happened because they actually happened to me. What I didn’t know until yesterday was that the police actually perceived the situation, pretty much EVERY time I tried to report, as me being mentally ill, and therefore it not being true.

I honestly did NOT think that, in all my dealings with the cops that none of them believed me… How can the police system be so screwed up that for 13 YEARS police officers in more than once city can be content with hearing someone’s story of horrific abuse and just write her off??? They never even spent enough time with me to hear my story! They never even talked to any of my support people who would validate that all my mental health issues are because of TRAUMA and that I have PTSD!!! They never even tried to talk to anyone besides me, and they barely even talked to me!

Fuck this makes me sooo angry… I have been betrayed by the police for so many years, in so many ways, and so many times! All I ever wanted was for them to make the abuse stop, that’s all I want now! And I want them to do something about it so that it stops happening for other girls!!! That’s the only reason I care… If the abuse was over for me and it wasn’t happening to anyone else, I would just focus on my healing and things would be ok.

But how can I rest and be at peace when I am not safe still, and I know so many children are still being hurt by them every day?