Cherish Freedom

My Healing Journey From Mormon Ritual Abuse To Freedom

Thank you Flora Jessop January 20, 2014

Filed under: Abuse,FLDS,Healing — cherishfreedom @ 8:01 am
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I am overjoyed and filled with hope to see the face and hear the voice of one of my heroines and inspirations over the last 10 years again. Many of you are probably aware that TLC has a new show called “Escaping the Prophet” about the FLDS, where Flora Jessop and Brandon Jeffs are profiled doing what they do best. Helping FLDS captives escape to freedom. Flora has been a fierce warrior against the FLDS abuses (along with many others) for so many years. It brings tears to my eyes to be able to watch this. Thank you Flora for your example to me. Thank you for your strength, for your encouragement, for your words of truth. Thank you for working tirelessly for so many years to expose this, even when people didn’t believe you. I have wanted to be like you “when I grow up” since I met you! And I know that I will be. The world is getting ready to do something REAL to stop all kinds of abuses, and its because of people like you, Flora, who never quit and never give up. No matter what you keep speaking the truth and helping as many as you can. I don’t know if you will ever realize the impact you have had on me over the last ten years, and how you have helped me realize that I too can help free the captives. Flora, you are AMAZING!!! And I am soooo happy that you and Ruby are finally together again. Victory!!!

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This is serious- Educate Yourselves!!! January 5, 2014

Filed under: Ex-Mormon,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 3:33 pm
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If you care about me or survivors of ritual abuse and torture, what are you willing to DO about it? Your thoughts, prayers, and good wishes are nice- for you. They make you feel better, but they most definitely don’t help us in any way. Your thoughts don’t change our lives, exemplify love and hope, give a hand up. We are not charity cases. We don’t want your pity. We want a call to arms to end all ritual abuse/mind control/torture/CHILD abuse of any form! Do you care, seriously? Or just for a few minutes. Am I just a charity case to you? Or do you want to be my friend, my sister. I don’t want your pity, I want you to walk alongside me on this journey to free the slaves.

 

This is a call to arms. Educate yourselves, then others. Care and DO something about it. You have to figure out if you actually care or not. But I will not accept anyone on my team who is half-assed about caring and actually doing something real about these issues. We need warriors. We need empowerment, not charity and pity.

 

If you want to educate yourself about ritual abuse, start on the website below. And then hopefully you will care enough to take some real action against torture and injustice against children.

http://ra-info.org/

If you are reading my blog, it is because you are looking for some kind of information, you have a question, you need understanding. Please, go further. Please DO something. We all need you.

 

Alice Walker, one of my heros, Thank You…. November 29, 2013

Filed under: Healing,Torture — cherishfreedom @ 1:14 pm
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Torture

by Alice Walker

When they torture your mother

plant a tree

When they torture your father

plant a tree

When they torture your brother

and your sister

plant a tree

When they assassinate

your leaders

and lovers

plant a tree

Whey they torture you

too bad

to talk

plant a tree.

When they begin to torture

the trees

and cut down the forest

they have made

start another.

 

Update on my “Mental Health” Situation February 15, 2013

Filed under: Healing,My Story,Psychiatry,PTSD,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 3:25 pm
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I have been thinking so much in the last two weeks about what I really need to do MYSELF to heal. I am still struggling with finding the support I need from other people, so I have finally realized it has to come from me, as much as I feel at times confused about what to do. I have been doing so much soul searching, spending a lot of time with myself, in my own head. The process has been EXTREMELY difficult for me, and I am still struggling daily, but I am finally feeling a sense of hope and control over my own life! I need to continue to remind myself constantly of my potential and my goals, and always that I am the only one who can truly heal myself. I need support, but no one can do it for me.

A few updates on what has happened to me since my last post on my psychiatric commitment January 2-8 2013. That time the psychiatrist rapidly detoxed me off of all of my medications (which was extremely bad for me mentally and physically….). So I ended up WAY more depressed than I even was before, and extremely suicidal so again ended up committed February 8-12, which was once again PURE HELL, and the same psychiatrist put me back on almost all the same meds!! Anyway, I played the “game” while I was committed better this time and was let out in 4 days instead of 6.

So now, the goal is to stay out of the hospital at ALL COSTS because it is horribly traumatic and all I am is a human chemical experiment. I am traumatized and psychologically abused in there. Locked up and forcibly medicated, forced to be silent and become a human chemical experiment which is still going haywire. I saw my actual psychiatrist yesterday however (who FINALLY understands what is really going on with me, to an extent), and we all agree that the hospital is the last place I ever need to be, which is amazing.

The reason that my psychiatrist and my mental health case manager FINALLY realized the seriousness of my “mental health crisis” now, is that I decided to share with them some of my art and the song lyrics which I posted yesterday (Dumped in the Wrong Womb). It seemed to touch them both on a deep level emotionally which was powerful for me to see.

I was very angry that my psychiatrist hasn’t been there for me in months, and all of a sudden he seems to understand and really want to help me out now. He is going out of his way to help me, which is like a miracle in his profession and this health care system… I asked him what changed, and I asked my mental health worker what changed. They said what changed is that I showed them my art and that finally, FINALLY made them understand what I have been trying so hard to communicate for so long… It seems like a miracle to me…

My drawing, painting, collaging, colouring, knitting, crocheting, sewing, beading, music, poetry, journaling and blogging, are the KEYS to my healing. And I have realized that they are the KEYS to helping others understand me and to reach out to others. I want to focus my life on these activities for now, until I have found a truly capable therapist who can work with me on my trauma and my past. I want to share what I can, and what is safe, on my blog. I want to educate others through my blog. And most of all, I want to reach out to others like me through my blog. WE ARE NOT ALONE!!!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!

I am going to continue to write, blog, do my art in all its forms in order to express myself and heal myself. I finally have hope again. It was a LIE that the cult told me, that I had to kill myself, and I WONT believe it anymore!!!

So don’t worry about me, I am going to be around fighting for a very long time!

Thank you for reading! Please sign up to follow my blog by email if you haven’t already!

 

 

Stand Tall- GREAT Pick-Me-Up Song!! September 11, 2012

Filed under: Healing — cherishfreedom @ 4:29 pm
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STAND TALL

by The Dirty Heads

Say what you say or just sail away
She can’t stand me but I miss her face
I feel like drowning but the tide’s too low
And now I’m waiting for the undertow

So I stand tall, it gets a little better
I see the wall that we can break down together
Stand strong, It gets a little better now
We can break it down, yes, we can break it

Well, I can only take so much
The pressure man come to pressure us
Oh, they came to watch us fall
We will rise up against them all

So I stand tall, it gets a little better
I see the wall that we can break down together
Stand strong, It gets a little better now
We can break it down, yes, we can break it

Stand tall, it gets a little better
I see the wall that we can break down together
Stand strong, It gets a little better now
We can break it down,yes,we can break it
Yes, we can break it, we can break it

Pardon me your much too loud
Gotta sing my song, I’m gonna sing it loud
No one’s gonna bring me down
I’m gonna stand up strong, gonna hold my ground

Tell me what are we fighting for?
Just to do what we done before
Tell me what are we fighting for?

Stand tall, it gets a little better
I see the wall that we can break down together
Stand strong, It gets a little better now
We can break it down,yes,we can break it

Stand tall, it gets a little better
I see the wall that we can break down together
Stand strong, It gets a little better now

We can break it down,yes,we can break it
Yes, we can break it, we can break it
We can break it down,yes,we can break it
Yes, we can break it, we can break it

Stand tall, it gets a little better
I see the wall that we can break down together
Stand strong, It gets a little better now
We can break it down, yes, we can break it
Yes, we can break it, we can break it

 

[ From : http://www.elyrics.net/read/d/dirty-heads-lyrics/stand-tall-lyrics.html ]

 

Rules September 10, 2012

Filed under: Healing,My Story — cherishfreedom @ 7:54 am
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“There are people who break other people for the sake of obeying the rules, and there are people who break the rules to help other people” — Rita Mae Brown

 

I read this in a book recently and this passage resonated so deeply with me, and reminded me of certain people and situations in my life, and how they have affected me. My situation of being ritually abused, and especially of being ritually abused as an adult (plus the many compounded problems that went along with that) has made it extremely difficult for me to find help throughout my entire life. I have been reaching out for help to all sorts of professionals for 14 years, but because people didn’t understand ritual abuse or didn’t believe me (or thought I was crazy) I have often fallen through the cracks.

 

The people who have believed me however, have usually fallen into one of the two above categories: the ones who refused to educate themselves speficially on trauma, ritual abuse, or even to actually just listen to me and hear my story. Therefore they ended up silencing me even more and not helping me, when that was what they were supposed to be doing. . There are so many people who fall into this category– because my “case” didn’t fit their program criteria exactly, I wasn’t provided with any professional support or help at all for years (including counselling, group therapy, psychiatrists, mental health services, and probably others I can’t think of now…) For the sake of these programs “rules” and “criteria”, I was left with very little or no professional support at all while I was STILL BEING ABUSED. I feel like the above quote fits quite well  what happened to me in so many situations like this throughout my life.  “There are people who break other people for the sake of obeying the rules”

 

On the other hand, I have been so blessed to have also found amazing people who have fulfilled the second part of that quote, despite risk to themselves, or even their volunteer jobs or careers. “There are people who break the rules to help other people”. There have been times in my life where I just NEEDED someone to go above and beyond for me, and I didn’t have any family and friends, just professional supports. There have been times where I had absolutely NO ONE as support except crisis line supports and maybe a counsellor or some other professional supports. During those times in my life, certain very special and very caring people have gone above and beyond to help and support me through some very hellish times and I am so grateful to them. It’s hard to explain to whole situation without writing a super long post, but I love this quote!

 

In my experience, a lot of rules are made to keep some people down and other people in power and control, and this needs to be challenged. Also, rules are made to keep people in categories, and not everyone or every situation can be categorized (e.g. my situation of ritual abuse and incest has always baffled abused womens shelter staff, who are used to dealing with women’s abusive husbands/boyfriends). And if a rule doesn’t make sense then people need to use their brains, think about it, talk to others about it, then try to challenge it somehow. The people that make the rules are just people, and I wish more people would think about if it makes sense to follow the rules before just blindly following them!

 

I can’t be the only one who cares… August 14, 2012

Filed under: Abuse,My Story,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 8:34 am
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So lonely, so lonely, so fucking lonely… My head just hurts with all the memories clamoring around in it… it feels like its going to explode and I wish I had a friend I could talk to, could REALLY talk to about all of this… I wish I knew someone else in this world who had been through the same things and gotten away… I know there are people like me out there, but I wish I had a friend like that HERE with me… I feel so alone, I feel like such a freak. This abuse, this torture… Ritual abuse is something so many people don’t even believe… I can’t even verbalize so much of it, I want to feel understood… I don’t know if there are people reading my blog who have been through ritual abuse too. If there are then you understand what I am feeling right now. If I hadn’t been through it, if I didn’t remember it so fucking vividly, with every fibre of my being…maybe I wouldnt’ believe it either…

 

For those of you who haven’t been through it and are reading this, I want to ask you some questions. Do you care? Do you believe that ritual abuse is real? What are you willing to do about it? Are you willing to?

–  read more information about it on my blog?

– research more about it on the internet?

– tell someone you know about it, and educate them about ritual abuse?

– care about victims of ritual abuse, and maybe commit some time and effort to helping us?

 

I have felt soooo alone for my whole life as a victim of this abuse, and it is because people in the world don’t know about it, and haven’t believed me. Maybe…I hope…that my blog might help some people realize that there is really horrible shit like this happening in our world. There are still little kids being abused by these people, and babies being born to them… just because I am an adult right now doesn’t mean its over… and I, as one person, feel so small and alone trying to get the world to give a fuck about this situation…