Feb. 5, 2014, pencil sketch
Comfort in Poetry November 11, 2013
I have no more words of my own…This poem made me feel a little better, for a tiny moment. Trying to find comfort in other’ words and to not feel so alone. Thank you to all the people who have reached out to me. You have no idea how much the “little things” mean to me, when everyday life is such a struggle, living with PTSD. And DID, but….not talking about that now. Anyway, this is a good poem, hope you all like it too.
The Plight of a Powerless Consciousness
I’m far from my peek of consciousness;
I’m just breaking into this game.
But I have some advice for the novices
like me, that are starting to feel the same.
Like there’s an emptiness in your existence,
and a bountiful source of sadness.
You want to fight these emotions through resistance,
but powerlessness and consciousness drive you to madness.
Like breathing seems just a little more futile,
as if pieces of you break off with each exhale.
In your despair you find little worthwhile,
afraid to move, feeling that to move is to fail.
In each of these moments I go back to my center,
that place that enables me to shamelessly feel.
To paint, dance, cry, or sing is my mentor.
All thoughts are stopped. In that moment, I heal.
There, the wills of the cowardly, though strong
cannot disrupt my internal connection,
and in those crucial moments I realize all along,
that when I create I am in my place of protection.
They cannot make me hate myself, or feel alone.
They can only spew hatred and lies about the body I borrow,
Even then, when others believe them and the lies they condone,
I will write. And my freedom will rise from what was once sorrow.
Crystalkay Fairrington, Wake the Public
Cherish Freedom Every Day… November 7, 2013
Its my father’s birthday, but I am free now.
In my mind I am still in bondage in some ways, but my body is free.
And my spirit has always been free.
He can’t hurt me anymore.
None of them can.
I am free today, and I cherish it.
New Blog! Bad Robot Creations October 29, 2013
I have started another blog, to chronicle my journey from being a starving artist to (hopefully!) being able to supplement my disability income. I will post all the pics of my Bad Robot Creations there.
Please check it out!!!
Love Bad Robot, aka Cherish Freedom
Screaming Tree February 18, 2013
This screaming tree I drew depicts the pain of my sisters and I (hanging upside down), and also the pain of the tree because of the abuse and our inability to escape our abuse. It is one of my most powerful and emotional drawings, and one of my favorites…
Update on my “Mental Health” Situation February 15, 2013
I have been thinking so much in the last two weeks about what I really need to do MYSELF to heal. I am still struggling with finding the support I need from other people, so I have finally realized it has to come from me, as much as I feel at times confused about what to do. I have been doing so much soul searching, spending a lot of time with myself, in my own head. The process has been EXTREMELY difficult for me, and I am still struggling daily, but I am finally feeling a sense of hope and control over my own life! I need to continue to remind myself constantly of my potential and my goals, and always that I am the only one who can truly heal myself. I need support, but no one can do it for me.
A few updates on what has happened to me since my last post on my psychiatric commitment January 2-8 2013. That time the psychiatrist rapidly detoxed me off of all of my medications (which was extremely bad for me mentally and physically….). So I ended up WAY more depressed than I even was before, and extremely suicidal so again ended up committed February 8-12, which was once again PURE HELL, and the same psychiatrist put me back on almost all the same meds!! Anyway, I played the “game” while I was committed better this time and was let out in 4 days instead of 6.
So now, the goal is to stay out of the hospital at ALL COSTS because it is horribly traumatic and all I am is a human chemical experiment. I am traumatized and psychologically abused in there. Locked up and forcibly medicated, forced to be silent and become a human chemical experiment which is still going haywire. I saw my actual psychiatrist yesterday however (who FINALLY understands what is really going on with me, to an extent), and we all agree that the hospital is the last place I ever need to be, which is amazing.
The reason that my psychiatrist and my mental health case manager FINALLY realized the seriousness of my “mental health crisis” now, is that I decided to share with them some of my art and the song lyrics which I posted yesterday (Dumped in the Wrong Womb). It seemed to touch them both on a deep level emotionally which was powerful for me to see.
I was very angry that my psychiatrist hasn’t been there for me in months, and all of a sudden he seems to understand and really want to help me out now. He is going out of his way to help me, which is like a miracle in his profession and this health care system… I asked him what changed, and I asked my mental health worker what changed. They said what changed is that I showed them my art and that finally, FINALLY made them understand what I have been trying so hard to communicate for so long… It seems like a miracle to me…
My drawing, painting, collaging, colouring, knitting, crocheting, sewing, beading, music, poetry, journaling and blogging, are the KEYS to my healing. And I have realized that they are the KEYS to helping others understand me and to reach out to others. I want to focus my life on these activities for now, until I have found a truly capable therapist who can work with me on my trauma and my past. I want to share what I can, and what is safe, on my blog. I want to educate others through my blog. And most of all, I want to reach out to others like me through my blog. WE ARE NOT ALONE!!!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!
I am going to continue to write, blog, do my art in all its forms in order to express myself and heal myself. I finally have hope again. It was a LIE that the cult told me, that I had to kill myself, and I WONT believe it anymore!!!
So don’t worry about me, I am going to be around fighting for a very long time!
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Runaway Feet September 14, 2012
This is an art piece I just finished. It is actually a picture of my feet, and I wrote words on paper, ripped them out and glued them on the picture. Then I drew on my feet with permanent markers. This piece is really exciting to me becuase it will be part of a larger project in which other women have also taken pictures of their feet and embellished the photos. The theme is basically “Walk a Mile in My Shoes”, and the art will be displayed publicly, and hopefully will help to educate people about some of the issues that women face in their lives.
I hope you like my feet!! hahaha