Cherish Freedom

My Healing Journey From Mormon Ritual Abuse To Freedom

Living in Trauma Mode November 30, 2013

Filed under: DID,My Story,PTSD — cherishfreedom @ 5:46 pm
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The last few weeks (I think…) have been a hurricane of emotional, spiritual and real-life crises. Trauma is triggered all the time. Flashbacks, memories, alters all so confused, emotional and loud in the head. Need to find a home, NOW…its basically an emergency. It feels hopeless to me, but other people don’t think its hopeless. So confusing….not used to people who don’t even know me well treating me with such love and kindness. It really feels like the last few weeks have been a dream/nightmare. Both good and bad. Breaking me to a point I have nowhere to look but up. No one to talk to but Creator. Nothing to do but pray, and cry, and allow this body to shake and hold the teddy bear. Trying to give the body food, sleep, rest, warmth, gentleness, comfort. Past traumas are so triggered right now though, that the body doesn’t, or can’t believe it is safe. What does safety feel like? What does a safe home feel like? What is home? So broken that  only Creator and the “ordinary angels” around me can keep me afloat. The strength in myself feels like its been drained out, drop by drop, like blood, like life. Creator, I pray for a home and the strength to do what I need to do to fulfill my purpose. And safety, whatever that looks like. I am broken into a million pieces. I need a miracles, maybe a lot of miracles…but I know miracles are real now, and I know if I stay on my path, I will see more.

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Moving and Feeling Safe September 6, 2013

Filed under: Healing,My Story — cherishfreedom @ 8:52 am
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Hello to all my friends and readers! I have been MIA for quite awhile because my housing situation ended up being utter HELL…. but that’s a story (or many stories!) for another time. I have been thinking about my blog obsessively lately because I have wanted so badly to be writing and connecting with people over these last months. Now that I have moved into my own great place, I am more free to write what I want and need to write. Also, I have internet connection at home, which helps a lot!!!

 

So… at this point in my life I guess I am at a major turning point. When I moved away from my family and the abuse over two years ago, I thought that was the start of my new, safe and free life. But it turns out life threw me another crazy surprise (and I HATE surprises), and these last two years have been a period of ending my old life so I can begin my new. I guess the universe figured I had more hard lessons to learn before I was ready to really be free… Well, I get it!!! I am sick of being smashed in the head by life, so I am trying to learn all my lessons!!! Don’t send any more universe, please….. Hahaha. Anyway, I am feeling hopeful about the direction my life is taking now, and I have many, many plans and goals.

 

At this point I am trying to wrap my mind around the thought of a house/place I live that actually feels SAFE. And like HOME. What is home anyway? That’s what I keep asking myself. I’ve never lived in a place that was actually safe AND where I felt safe. Feeling safe is the hard part, when you’ve got lifelong trauma, or so I’ve heard… I am pretty sure that my new place is physically safe. But I have no idea how long til I can FEEL safe anywhere. Even in my own body. Feeling quite unsure as to what exactly to do now. It’s hard to relax and feel calm. And even harder to get out and get stuff like grocery shopping done…. But I am trying, working, thinking, praying everyday that I will know the right things to do, and that I will stay on my path. The red road….the road of recovery and healing.

 

“Animal I Have Become” by Three Days Grace September 17, 2012

Filed under: Abuse,Healing — cherishfreedom @ 5:33 pm
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ANIMAL I HAVE BECOME

I can’t escape this hell
So many times I’ve tried
But I’m still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself
 
So what if you can see the darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal!
This animal, this animal
 
I can’t escape myself
So many times I’ve lied
But there’s still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself
 
So what if you can see the darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become

Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
 
Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can’t escape this hell
 
This animal, this animal
This animal, this animal
This animal, this animal
This animal
 
So what if you can see the darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
 
Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal!
This animal I have become

 

The Drug-Yourself Up Cure

Filed under: Abuse,Healing,My Story,Psychiatry,PTSD,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 2:43 pm
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Things are so intense when you’re trying to heal from ritual abuse and incest. I don’t even know a lot of times if what I am doing can be qualified as healing, it is just surviving. Living minute by minute, getting through one flashback, one memory, one nightmare. Surviving one moment, and then another. There are so many times throughout the day I ask myself why the hell I am doing this… I want to give up. But what does giving up mean? Dying, committing suicide is the ultimate giving up, and I do think about that still, although I am almost positive now that I won’t actually kill myself. I could give up the “positive” things I am doing in my life, and give in to the depression, just stay in bed or something. But I don’t think that would work, my anxiety is too intense for that. So…giving up is not an option at this point. But I’m so fucking exhausted and I want a break!!!

 

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist last week. Some history on psychiatrists and I: I’ve had involvement with them for the last 15 years of my life, with almost none of that involvement being good or helpful to me. Psychiatrists, when I was a child, were part of the reason I was never believed when I told about the abuse, was never rescued, and was labelled mentally ill instead of abused. As a result I generally HATE psychiatry and psychiatrists, and it takes A LOT for me to trust one. However, the psychiatrist I see now is one of the very rare exceptions who listens to me, understands trauma and PTSD, and has actually helped me a great deal over the past 9 months. When I saw him last week I told him honestly that I was “gonna lose my shit” (lol) and my anxiety/flashbacks/nightmares were just getting worse and worse. He did a sort of intervention and increased one of my meds. The increase is quite a lot, and I feel conflicted about it… I am not taking as much as I am allowed to take, but it makes me tired and drugged up. Takes the anxiety away, but its frustrating as fuck to feel all zombified just because you’re trying not to have panic attacks all day long… It’s been a rough week… I go from wicked panic attacks, to total frustration and tiredness. It’s hard to figure out which is worse sometimes. At least I’m used to being a panicky mess, hahaha…

 

Is this actually healing??? I feel like what I really need is to talk a lot of shit through, but the problem is I don’t have the right people with enough time to talk about all the things I need to get off my chest… Drugging myself up is keeping me out of the psych ward, but this feeling sucks too… I need a therapist I can see more than once a week for an hour. I need an art therapist. I need a group for women sexual abuse survivors (or preferably ritual abuse survivors). I need a girlfriend (I’m gay) or at least some family that I can call any time of the day or night when things get really bad… I need people I can rely on in the good times and the bad times. I need people I can talk about anything with… I don’t think that healing is drugging myself up. I know its keeping me out of the psych ward right now, but I want to DEAL WITH THIS SHIT, not numb myself out and try not to talk about it…. I want someone to listen to me… I need to tell my story, my whole story….

 

Hell Hat August 25, 2012

Filed under: Abuse,My Story,Poetry,PTSD,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 2:05 pm
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Picturing it so clear
Brains splattered on the wall
Fuck you fuck all of you for what you did
Can’t shut my mind off
Want to run away
Rip my skin off and leave this shit
What shit? All of it
This life these memories this existence
Can’t explain it in words, are you kidding me?!?!
Just FUCK LIFE
Its hell every day
And I get up, plaster on a happy face
Or at least a neutral face
And act like everything is fine
But the red hat is on
The one with the H- that stands for HELL
Because my head’s gonna explode
Wanna see some brains splattered all over the wall?
Wanna see brains, guts, blood, like I’ve seen?
I’ve seen stuff you will never see….
That’s why my head’s gonna explode
Fuckin hell hat….

 

Please don’t marry him… August 12, 2012

Filed under: Abuse,Mormonism,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 11:26 am
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I haven’t met him, but I know there’s something wrong with him… I heard today you got engaged, that you will be married in the mormon temple in less than 4 months. Please my little sister, you can’t do this!! You need to escape the abuse, you need to escape the cult! He is involved, I know he must be involved in it… Even if he isn’t I know there is something wrong with him– she told me there is something wrong in his eyes, in his energy. She told me and I believe her, she is always right about things like this.

Someone needs to protect you from him before its too late… you can’t marry him, my little sister!!! There isn’t much time. You are so brilliant, you need to remember everything you have learned in the real world. Please think about this, please listen to  your heart… your heart will warn you… there is something wrong with him. You deserve to get out and be safe. If you marry him, he will hurt you, he will not let you escape. Please baby, please change your mind… I don’t know how to rescue you…

 

Shouldn’t be Scared to Speak Out… June 8, 2012

Filed under: Healing — cherishfreedom @ 8:51 pm
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Sometimes I feel so small, speaking out against the abuse I have suffered, and I get so scared. I have been called crazy and a liar my whole life. The people calling me crazy and a liar, many of them are supposedly “credible”. My story sounds too hard to believe to some people, and I know most people would rather not believe it. Rebecca’s story sounds too hard to belive too… but she is gone, and nobody can deny what happened to her. The problem is, nobody really investigated the full story. And after listening to the parole hearing, I feel scared all over again about the repercussions of speaking out against my abusers. I have been threatened many times and in many different ways… The truth is supposed to set you free, but as I know from my experiences with the police, justice is not always served… The truth does not always come out. People do not aways believe the truth. People do not always help the victims. The victims are often (maybe even ususally) too scared to speak out. And definately too scared to speak out publicly. I am feeling very nervous about my blog tonight, and fighting that feeling because I have a right to tell my story! It’s just that they have hurt me in so many ways in the past, and I am NEVER sure what they will do next…

It should be safe to just tell my story, shouldn’t it??? I am so frustrated that I feel this anxious about speaking the truth… I am not even identifying myself or my abusers, but I am still scared. What to do…