Rebirth January 8, 2014

Rebirth, the life that comes

After death.

The changes, constant changes

Of my voice, my will, my strength

Struggling to break the barriers

of silence.

This journey is one of dead ends,

winding roads, twists and turns.

And heartbreak.

But heartbreak in the search for love

is only a rock on my trail.

For only with the deepest agony

The greatest joy comes.

I find my purpose!

To love and be loved

Sit on the snow-capped mountain

and look down on my life

To realize how far I’ve come.

My footprints have left my trail

I remember where I’ve come from,

And my triumph is my rebirth.

From Ashes to Fire January 5, 2014

My Big Brother sat with me on the bus today

I wept with the love He showed me

The beauty in the world around me

And the truth of who I am 

How much I’m truly loved

 

My heart is indeed on fire now

And there is nothing I want more

Than to feel that kind of love

In everything I do

Everything I speak

Every choice I make

 

People may not understand

We are all human, all flawed

Abba, please forgive us all

And put fire in our hearts

 

Help us see through the “man”

In all of us on earth

Judgements, hypocrisies, lies and unbelief

You love us with the same fire

No matter how broken we are

 

Speak life to my dry bones and ashes

The wreckage of the past

Which my Brother took away

I know the truth now

And I weep with joy…

 

Man will always fail me

And I’ll always fail myself

Without You I would be dead today

But Your fire, Your fire

 

All I need is You, God

Its just You and me

Only You know everything about me

And breathe life back into me again and again

Only You, Only You, Only You

You’re all I’ve ever needed

 

 

the kid next door December 18, 2013

confusion grips the mind

dark clouds of fog

electric bursts

brain bursts

voice has been strangled

the evil ones draw near

as we scream silently for help

nobody ever hears

memories more real

than when the body was there

blood on the floor

blood on the wall

blood on the christmas tree

what is reality

cuz this is hell

always in a nightmare

far away but you’re so near

pray, pray, pray the devil away

pray the demons back to hell

but why do they linger

confusion, dark fog

can we sleep

and never wake up

torture is real

happens next door

but the world doesn’t care

about the kids dying

dying in every way

they know a different kind of love

their hope is death

the holidays are survival

reliving, remembering

as hope fades again

sleep, sleep, sleep,

it will be ok one day

Living in Trauma Mode November 30, 2013

The last few weeks (I think…) have been a hurricane of emotional, spiritual and real-life crises. Trauma is triggered all the time. Flashbacks, memories, alters all so confused, emotional and loud in the head. Need to find a home, NOW…its basically an emergency. It feels hopeless to me, but other people don’t think its hopeless. So confusing….not used to people who don’t even know me well treating me with such love and kindness. It really feels like the last few weeks have been a dream/nightmare. Both good and bad. Breaking me to a point I have nowhere to look but up. No one to talk to but Creator. Nothing to do but pray, and cry, and allow this body to shake and hold the teddy bear. Trying to give the body food, sleep, rest, warmth, gentleness, comfort. Past traumas are so triggered right now though, that the body doesn’t, or can’t believe it is safe. What does safety feel like? What does a safe home feel like? What is home? So broken that  only Creator and the “ordinary angels” around me can keep me afloat. The strength in myself feels like its been drained out, drop by drop, like blood, like life. Creator, I pray for a home and the strength to do what I need to do to fulfill my purpose. And safety, whatever that looks like. I am broken into a million pieces. I need a miracles, maybe a lot of miracles…but I know miracles are real now, and I know if I stay on my path, I will see more.

Miracles are Real November 27, 2013

To tell the truth, it is a miracle that I am alive today…. The last few weeks (at least) have been utter hell, with the depression, hopelessness, fear, flashbacks, insomnia and anorexia just out of control. I was planning to kill myself. This is my 101st post on my blog….post number 100 was going to be my “goodbye” letter to the world…. But Creator heard my cries of desperation and stepped in….I have met some people this week who have given me a new hope, something I have never really tried before… I didn’t believe good people existed in the world anymore, but Creator heard my cries for help, for friends, for love, for hope and strength to stay alive. And I am alive. And last night two of my new friends came to see me because I was in need…I couldn’t ask because I feel like a burden to everyone, but she knew I needed someone to come over, and she brought another amazing new friend with her. These people believe in miracles, and they make me believe in miracles… They exemplify love in their actions and words. My heart has been softened and opened up. Creator knew I needed a miracle. I am getting more than just one miracle. I am getting many small miracles of hope every day. I honestly don’t know why I am still alive writing this today…except for a miracle. Of new hope, of something I have never been open to trying before. All I can believe is that Creator has heard my cries and is sending his angels on earth to reach out to me. Thank you so much. Thank you to all of you…. I don’t want to die, I want a happy, free life. Thank you Creator for hearing my cries and keeping me alive. For all these years…. Small miracles, but miracles all the same. I am still here!

Happiness is BEARS November 13, 2013

So, here it is, this is what I look like (for those of you who don’t know!). I am not very photogenic at the best of times, but I was happy here, with this very pretty bear. The bear is my spirit animal and I find a lot of comfort and strength in bears.

Cherish Freedom Every Day… November 7, 2013

Its my father’s birthday, but I am free now.

In my mind I am still in bondage in some ways, but my body is free.

And my spirit has always been free.

He can’t hurt me anymore.

None of them can.

I am free today, and I cherish it.

New Blog! Bad Robot Creations October 29, 2013

Hello friends!!

I have started another blog, to chronicle my journey from being a starving artist to (hopefully!) being able to supplement my disability income. I will post all the pics of my Bad Robot Creations there.
Please check it out!!!

http://www.badrobotcreations.wordpress.com

Love Bad Robot, aka Cherish Freedom

Moving and Feeling Safe September 6, 2013

Hello to all my friends and readers! I have been MIA for quite awhile because my housing situation ended up being utter HELL…. but that’s a story (or many stories!) for another time. I have been thinking about my blog obsessively lately because I have wanted so badly to be writing and connecting with people over these last months. Now that I have moved into my own great place, I am more free to write what I want and need to write. Also, I have internet connection at home, which helps a lot!!!

 

So… at this point in my life I guess I am at a major turning point. When I moved away from my family and the abuse over two years ago, I thought that was the start of my new, safe and free life. But it turns out life threw me another crazy surprise (and I HATE surprises), and these last two years have been a period of ending my old life so I can begin my new. I guess the universe figured I had more hard lessons to learn before I was ready to really be free… Well, I get it!!! I am sick of being smashed in the head by life, so I am trying to learn all my lessons!!! Don’t send any more universe, please….. Hahaha. Anyway, I am feeling hopeful about the direction my life is taking now, and I have many, many plans and goals.

 

At this point I am trying to wrap my mind around the thought of a house/place I live that actually feels SAFE. And like HOME. What is home anyway? That’s what I keep asking myself. I’ve never lived in a place that was actually safe AND where I felt safe. Feeling safe is the hard part, when you’ve got lifelong trauma, or so I’ve heard… I am pretty sure that my new place is physically safe. But I have no idea how long til I can FEEL safe anywhere. Even in my own body. Feeling quite unsure as to what exactly to do now. It’s hard to relax and feel calm. And even harder to get out and get stuff like grocery shopping done…. But I am trying, working, thinking, praying everyday that I will know the right things to do, and that I will stay on my path. The red road….the road of recovery and healing.

Gag Orders and … May 27, 2013

Gag Orders and Losing my Voice

I effectively have a gag order on me. Awesome. Again. Still. Whatever. I am moving as soon as possible, and then I will WRITE MY ASS OFF. So, I will be back, just not yet… Apparently I am “violent” and have an “anger problem” so I have to deal with that first. LMFAO