Feb. 5, 2014, pencil sketch
The Pace Memo- Ritual Abuse Within the Mormon Church January 6, 2014
I will let this website link speak for itself, as I am quite emotional about this topic at the moment. All I have to say is, this is what happened to me. It is real. The mormon church has been covering it up for decades. I am sharing this information on my blog because I know that there are other women somewhere out there who are also trying to escape this torture and abuse, and I want them to know they are not alone… I also want people in our world to know that things like this really do happen.
To anyone who doesn’t believe this, that is fine. I am not trying to convince people who are not interested. My purpose is to educate people who ARE interested, and hopefully to reach out to other women who have also been abused as I have.
Here is the link to…
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Stitch by Stitch December 8, 2013
This heart, this heart that was broken into a million tiny pieces
You are holding it in your hand
Sewing it back together stitch by stich
Building up layers of skin
To replace the skin they tore away
You are my Creator
You are my hope
You are my healing
The pain of the past is dissolving
Forgiveness is when the past doesn’t hurt me anymore
Hook by hook, thread by thread
You are breaking the ties to the pain of the past
Miracles are real….I forgot for so long
Broken pieces of me becoming whole
The secrets come to light
You shine your light in all the dark corners
Heals all my wounds
Thank you Abba….
Miracles are Real November 27, 2013
To tell the truth, it is a miracle that I am alive today…. The last few weeks (at least) have been utter hell, with the depression, hopelessness, fear, flashbacks, insomnia and anorexia just out of control. I was planning to kill myself. This is my 101st post on my blog….post number 100 was going to be my “goodbye” letter to the world…. But Creator heard my cries of desperation and stepped in….I have met some people this week who have given me a new hope, something I have never really tried before… I didn’t believe good people existed in the world anymore, but Creator heard my cries for help, for friends, for love, for hope and strength to stay alive. And I am alive. And last night two of my new friends came to see me because I was in need…I couldn’t ask because I feel like a burden to everyone, but she knew I needed someone to come over, and she brought another amazing new friend with her. These people believe in miracles, and they make me believe in miracles… They exemplify love in their actions and words. My heart has been softened and opened up. Creator knew I needed a miracle. I am getting more than just one miracle. I am getting many small miracles of hope every day. I honestly don’t know why I am still alive writing this today…except for a miracle. Of new hope, of something I have never been open to trying before. All I can believe is that Creator has heard my cries and is sending his angels on earth to reach out to me. Thank you so much. Thank you to all of you…. I don’t want to die, I want a happy, free life. Thank you Creator for hearing my cries and keeping me alive. For all these years…. Small miracles, but miracles all the same. I am still here!
I don’t understand November 11, 2013
I am so confused about everything these days. It feels like there is a huge void inside of me. A hole that maybe can’t be fixed. Where have you been? I believe in you Creator, but where have you been? I try to talk to you all the time, every day, I need help so badly. Can’t find that help in other people. I can’t find it in myself alone. What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I feel hope, peace, love, freedom? Where are you Creator? Where are you all those hours I am praying, crying, and so confused I don’t even have words. The anguish feels like it should kill me alone, and I am surprised it doesn’t. They hurt everything about my relationship to you, and to myself. I loathe myself, and I don’t really understand why. I can’t trust, can’t let love in, can’t assume the best of humans… I want to know you Creator. Other people talk about their relationship with you, and I just feel….empty. Unlovable. I don’t know if you, or anyone/anything is even there. I sometimes I think I am crazy when I pray because there is no creator, not who loves me anyway. They perverted and confused everything about spirituality, and nothing makes sense anymore. I am exhausted. If you are there Creator, why can’t I feel you? What is wrong with me?
Cherish Freedom Every Day… November 7, 2013
Its my father’s birthday, but I am free now.
In my mind I am still in bondage in some ways, but my body is free.
And my spirit has always been free.
He can’t hurt me anymore.
None of them can.
I am free today, and I cherish it.
Making Moms Evil December 11, 2012
Grieving for my mom, for never having a mom, for the abuses and the betrayals and the neglect. She was not a mom, was never a mom, could never be a mom, was never allowed to be a mom, was never capable of being a mom. And all I needed was a good mom. And what I need right now is a mom, but its way too late, that will never happen. And I am so full of rage and grief and hatred at my mom and my family but mostly right now at the Mormon church and the cult within it- the cult I was raised in and my mom was raised in and my grandparents were raised in… Women mean nothing to them…. we mean less than nothing, we are not human, we are baby-makers. How can women be good moms if they are not allowed to even be human beings? Then, in the cult, they are hurt and abused and tortured since birth, forced to get married and have their own children, only to torture them and keep them in the cult and in the cycle.
It is not totally my mom’s fault… I know it isn’t…. I still hate her, still have flashbacks and memories and nightmares. Her cruelty and manipulation still went above and beyond… Forgiveness is a long way off… in fact I have been having new memories (or memories I haven’t thought about in a LONG time) about my mom’s abuses, which are fucking me up hardcore…
But the Mormon church and the cult are the ones who do not allow women to be humans. Who force them to hurt their children. Who force them to marry and have too many children. Who give no value to them other than as wives to men and mothers to children (but how can they ever be good mothers if they are not allowed to be full humans, full women, and equal to men as we supposedly are??).
My mother tortured me. She abused me in every way possible, and she is evil, what they did to her turned her evil and into something less than human. They took her soul. I hate her, but I hate the Mormon church and the cult more, because those institutions are what has allowed all the abuse in my life to happen. They turned my mother evil, she wasn’t born that way. They tortured her so much that she broke, and part of her soul left and she turned evil and has caused pain and grief ever since. And years later, what they did to her, and what she did to me is haunting me, haunting me haunting me….All the fucking time…. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. I wish I had a real mom…