Cherish Freedom

My Healing Journey From Mormon Ritual Abuse To Freedom

Christmas= Torture December 18, 2012

Filed under: My Story,Poetry,PTSD — cherishfreedom @ 8:22 pm
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The pain feels like its gonna rip me in two

Skin has been sandpapered, brain is firing

I can feel it, like lightning bolts zapping me inside

The memories, every Christmas, every “celebration”

an exercise in survival

an opportunity for the evil ones to torture

without interference, without witnesses…

A child at home on school break, with her “happy family”

Wishing she could die because every year the torture almost

too much to even survive.

The worst time of year by far…

And not for the “normal” reasons people are depressed at Christmas…

Secrets too gory, too horrifying to share

Scares people away, they don’t want to hear that horror at Christmas!!

But that’s what Christmas means to me

Never had anyone who loved me to spend it with

Chose homelessness and complete aloneness over the family

Am choosing aloneness now…

But it fucking hurts

I relive those years

I am lonely every day

I wonder why I am such a freak

What I did to deserve no one

Who cares enough to want to be with me

And understand my past.

And make this stupid fucking holiday different…

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Fucking Rage…. December 13, 2012

Filed under: Healing,PTSD — cherishfreedom @ 8:58 pm
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So full of rage, so full of grief, so full of loss and sadness, and fucking RAGE…. The last week so many people have been triggering my rage, and I have been thinking about all my many different abusers, and I just want to fucking hurt them so bad. I don’t even feel like a person anymore, I am just a ball of horrible emotion, and memories, and am somehow surviving and getting through. I don’t know what is keeping me going, I want to die most minutes of the day. Die or fucking punish them…. I don’t know how to punish them. I cry, puke, pace, can’t sit still or focus, can’t eat, then go numb for awhile. Then the memories come again and the feelings that are magnified 100 times what they should be and I want to die again, or kill my abusers… The rage, grief, loss, is all a jumble and its all too much. I don’t even feel human anymore. Actually I am not sure I was ever human… there was never any measure of normalcy in my life, what the fuck is it to be human, to be a person. I think a lot of the time I am more alien pretending to be human than actually human. But anyway, here’s a song I like, its about all this shit (to me anyway…). Music (and especially the lyrics) help me, I hope you like this song…

 

 

 

ANIMAL I HAVE BECOME

By Three Days Grace

I can’t escape this hell
So many times I’ve tried
But I’m still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal!
This animal, this animal

I can’t escape myself
So many times I’ve lied
But there’s still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become

Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can’t escape this hell

This animal, this animal
This animal, this animal
This animal, this animal
This animal

So what if you can see the darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become

Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal!
This animal I have become

 

Making Moms Evil December 11, 2012

Filed under: Abuse,Ex-Mormon,Mormonism,My Story,PTSD,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 4:07 pm
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Grieving for my mom, for never having a mom, for the abuses and the betrayals and the neglect. She was not a mom, was never a mom, could never be a mom, was never allowed to be a mom, was never capable of being a mom. And all I needed was a good mom. And what I need right now is a mom, but its way too late, that will never happen. And I am so full of rage and grief and hatred at my mom and my family but mostly right now at the Mormon church and the cult within it- the cult I was raised in and my mom was raised in and my grandparents were raised in… Women mean nothing to them…. we mean less than nothing, we are not human, we are baby-makers. How can women be good moms if they are not allowed to even be human beings? Then, in the cult, they are hurt and abused and tortured since birth, forced to get married and have their own children, only to torture them and keep them in the cult and in the cycle.

 

It is not totally my mom’s fault… I know it isn’t…. I still hate her, still have flashbacks and memories and nightmares. Her cruelty and manipulation still went above and beyond… Forgiveness is a long way off… in fact I have been having new memories (or memories I haven’t thought about in a LONG time) about my mom’s abuses, which are fucking me up hardcore…

 

But the Mormon church and the cult are the ones who do not allow women to be humans. Who force them to hurt their children. Who force them to marry and have too many children. Who give no value to them other than as wives to men and mothers to children (but how can they ever be good mothers if they are not allowed to be full humans, full women, and equal to men as we supposedly are??).

 

My mother tortured me. She abused me in every way possible, and she is evil, what they did to her turned her evil and into something less than human. They took her soul. I hate her, but I hate the Mormon church and the cult more, because those institutions are what has allowed all the abuse in my life to happen. They turned my mother evil, she wasn’t born that way. They tortured her so much that she broke, and part of her soul left and she turned evil and has caused pain and grief ever since. And years later, what they did to her, and what she did to me is haunting me, haunting me haunting me….All the fucking time…. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. I wish I had a real mom…

 

Newspaper Article Quoting my Abuser Grandmother….. December 4, 2012

Just found this newspaper article I have never seen before… So fucking triggered and angry and I don’t even give a fuck the world should fucking know…. Dorothy Wight is my grandma and she is a fucking lying, abusive, evil person who is involved in the cult and will die soon and go to hell…. I lived with her and my grandpa Deloy in Mountain View and that’s where I met Rebecca and Sarah, Ferosa and Todd, and that is also where I was fucking abused in the cult by my grandparents. That is where the cult is huge and gets away with whatever the fuck they want, and no one does anything about it, kind of like Utah. Fuck you grandma, here it is….. You’re a fucking liar…. You’re a fucking abuser….

What a great surprise, finding this particular newspaper article from 1999 today….. And the cult is still getting away with whatever they fuck they want because no one with power to stop it believes people like me.

Ex-neighbors baffled over child’s death
Friends call Mom accused in beating ‘loving’

Dorothy Wight remembers how close Todd and Ferosa Bluff were as a family.

After the couple moved to the tiny town of Mountain View, Alberta, Canada, in 1996, Wight and her husband became their LDS home teachers. They visited the Bluffs on a monthly basis and offered to baby sit whenever the couple needed them.But “they didn’t go very long without their children,” Wight said. In almost two years, they only asked her to baby sit their two daughters four times, although they lived three blocks away and had become good friends.

“They were a young couple. They acted very loving towards each other and towards the children. They had a clean, beautiful house and seemed to take care of everything,” Wight said.

Which is why nothing that happened a month after Ferosa Bluff and her daughters moved to Utah makes sense to Wight.

It was Oct. 22, 1998, when 3-year-old Rebecca Bluff was found dead in the Holladay apartment her mother shared with Andrew and Suzanne Fedorowicz, a couple Ferosa Bluff had met in Canada several years earlier.

The three adults in the apartment told investigators the child had fallen down a flight of stairs the day before. They told police they didn’t think anything was wrong with her until she threw up after complaining of a stomachache, then fainted twice after being placed in a tub full of cold water, court documents state. She never regained consciousness after fainting the second time.

But an autopsy revealed the girl’s death had been caused by “multiple, non-accidental, blunt force injuries,” which prosecutors say amounts to torture.

The medical examiner concluded the child had been repeatedly assaulted — both sexually and physically — over a period of 24 to 72 hours using blunt, sharp objects. The girl had bruises all over her body, including her head, buttocks, genitals, and soles of her feet. There were also markings on her arms and ankles that indicated she had been restrained.

“Rebecca would have been in great pain during that entire time, and . . . she would have had substantial difficulty standing, sitting or lying down,” the charges state. “These injuries caused such profuse bleeding into and between the layers of the soft tissues of the body that Rebecca died from acute blood loss.”

During a search of the apartment, police found a “cat-o’-nine-tails-like cord” and a videotape showing Ferosa Bluff and Suzanne Fedorowicz involved in acts using a cat-o’-nine-tails whip, prosecutors say.

The medical examiner concluded that “the markings on the buttocks of Rebecca’s body were consistent with having been made by the cat-o’-nine device,” the charges state.

A week after Rebecca’s death, Ferosa Bluff, 27, Andrew G. Fedorowicz, 46, and Suzanne M. Fedorowicz, 46, were charged with murder, a first-degree felony; child abuse and sexual abuse of a child, both second-degree felonies. Prosecutors dropped charges against Suzanne Fedorowicz after both Ferosa Bluff and Andrew Fedorowicz waived a preliminary hearing in January.

Ferosa Bluff is being held at the Salt Lake County Jail on $200,000 bail, and Andrew Fedorowicz is being held on $500,000 bond. A jury trial for them is scheduled to begin Tuesday.

Through her attorneys, Ferosa Bluff has maintained that she had no part in injuring her daughter.

“There’s no direct evidence linking her with the crime she is charged with,” said her former defense attorney, Steve McCaughey, during a court hearing last year. “I don’t think anybody really knows what happened.”

Among those who knew the accused before they were charged, Jayne McHugh was stunned when she learned of Rebecca’s death.

In the early 1990s, McHugh, 39, and her husband, Shane, 41, were close friends and neighbors with Andrew Fedorowicz and his then-wife Brenda. The couples met at a church-owned cannery where they volunteered labor to prepare food that was distributed to the needy. They attended church in the same Toronto LDS ward and socialized frequently in each other’s homes.

Later, when the McHugh family grew to three children, the Fedorowiczes were frequent baby sitters.

“He was wonderful with the children. We never had any problems and we never worried about leaving them because he was a pediatric nurse,” she said. “If something had happened to me or my husband, it was agreed our kids would have gone to Andy and Brenda. To think of that now turns me cold.”

The two couples lost touch shortly after Andy and Brenda Fedorowicz divorced. The McHughs said they felt less comfortable around Andy’s second wife, Suzanne, also a nurse.

“(Andy) changed after he met her, big time,” Jayne McHugh said.

It was about the same time that McHugh remembers Andy Fedorowicz drifting away from the LDS Church, which he had joined as an adult. McHugh remembers Fedorowicz as being a faithful church member who possessed a strong interest in missionary and fellowship work. It was partly through that kind of outreach that he became close to Suzanne, later baptizing her into the church, McHugh said.

But Fedorowicz also had some of his “own” ideas about the LDS faith — ideas he said were tied to writings by early church prophets Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, according to McHugh. Fedorwicz would discuss those beliefs at length and in great detail, she said.

Fedorowicz’s teachings in his Toronto ward’s Sunday School caused concern among the membership, and he was released from his position, McHugh recalls.

It was in those classes that Fedorowicz befriended a young Todd Bluff, whose parents also attended the same Toronto ward, McHugh said.

“But I didn’t know that Andy was in contact with Todd as an adult, or that they had lived together in Mountain View,” she said.

McHugh last saw Todd Bluff at the Toronto temple with his mother — just weeks before he married Ferosa in 1991.

After the marriage, Todd and Ferosa Bluff moved to Mountain View, a town with a population of about 150 near the Montana border, where Todd worked in a nearby cheese factory. The couple lived there until last summer, when Ferosa Bluff moved to Salt Lake City.

A native of South Africa, Ferosa Bluff had lived in Toronto most of her life, McCaughey said. She attended nursing school in Toronto and earned a degree from the Toronto School of Business.

About the same time the Bluffs married in 1991, the McHughs saw Andy Fedorowicz for the last time. Shane McHugh helped Fedorowicz fix his car. The next they heard, Andy and Suzanne Fedorowicz had moved to Florida.

The Bluffs told Wight they were planning to move to Salt Lake City and that Ferosa Bluff was going ahead to get established. “I think (Todd) would have eventually followed. I had no reason to believe that they were anything but happy together. I don’t think she left him,” Wight said.

Prior to leaving Mountain View, Ferosa Bluff asked Wight to baby sit for a few days while she came to Salt Lake City to apply for a job. Later, Ferosa Bluff changed her mind. The Fedorowiczes came from Salt Lake City to get her, and she said she and her daughters would be staying with them.

“When she decided to take the children with her, I thought that was the solution to that problem. We had no reason to be suspicious of anything at all,” Wight said.

She didn’t visit the Bluffs after August 1998, but did visit with Todd Bluff whenever she saw him at the grocery store. When Todd Bluff returned from Salt Lake City after getting custody of his 2-year-old daughter, Sarah, in November, he called her. Salt Lake County Sheriff’s detectives investigated whether Sarah had also been victimized, but found nothing on which to subtantiate charges.

“He sounded quite well under the circumstances,” Wight said. “There’s a lot of people in the town who will help him and be supportive to help him get through this, if he allows them. Everybody will help take care of Sarah, I’m sure. She needs some stability.”