Cherish Freedom

My Healing Journey From Mormon Ritual Abuse To Freedom

Learning About Friendship June 17, 2012

Filed under: Healing — cherishfreedom @ 12:17 pm
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I’ve been really struggling lately with a tornado of emotions, and there have been so many times I just want a mental break but just can’t get one- I can’t shut my mind off… I honestly didn’t realize the power that starting this blog had, and the things that would come up for me as a result of it. I started blogging because I needed and outlet and honestly, I have tried everything else! I have been trying to tell my story for YEARS and have been disbelieved and unheard. I sort of thought, in writing a blog, I wouldn’t be listened to again…it is so strange to have had what, to me seems like a huge response. So many people have read my story, and people I don’t even know are reaching out to me. Through this blog I am finding out new information that confirms my own history, and that means the world to me…thank you so very much to everyone who is reading, and reaching out…

 

This weekend I was planning on “taking it easy”, which is what I told people. What I really intended to do was isolate myself and possibly have a bit of a pity party… I know that there is “someone” looking out for me, and I wasn’t supposed to do that, because I have realized this weekend that isolating myself just wasn’t in the plans. I have some amazing friends in my apartment building, and they have come knocking on my door so I havent had much time to isolate myself and be lazy! I have been able to participate in the community where I live, and it has felt so good to realize that I truly have friends (finally!), and that I can be there for them, as they are there for me…

 

Growing up in the abusive situation I did, I was very isolated, and not allowed to have close friends. Mormons in general never learn what actual friendships are like, in my opinion…i call them “insta-friends”. Mormons, and especially the ones who are involved in the ritual abuse, are discouraged from forming friendships with non-mormons, and their lives are kept so busy with their huge families and church activities and “service” that they don’t have time for outside activities anyway. Because of this, and the compounded isolation of my family (I was even more isolated to hide the extreme abuse from outsiders…), I never learned to have “normal” friendships with people. I think that most people generally like me when they meet me, but I have a hard time trusting people and maintaining friendships, and boundaries are very confusing…

 

Even though people tell me all the time they care about me, I feel so alone and don’t really believe them. It’s the little things in which I see progress in my life though. When my new friends knock on my door to see if I want to come visit and have a coffee, when someone asks me for help with something and thanks me afterwards, when they ask me where I’ve been if they haven’t seen me all day… I am just so grateful that I am finally living a life in which I am allowed to have real friends, and my friends understand and care about me!!

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Message to My Sisters… (Oct. 8, 2002) June 14, 2012

Filed under: My Story,Poetry — cherishfreedom @ 6:42 pm
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Please little girls, my sweet little sisters

Don’t believe all the things that they tell you

About me; and about all the problems I cause

Because they say I am a liar

And I know you’ve been hurt, please don’t keep it inside!

Deep down inside where nobody knows

Because I know that that is what kills you

You have to listen to me, my little sisters

Know that I love you more than life itself

Know that you have to talk, have to tell-

So that your secrets don’t destroy you

Like they almost have me

You are all so beautiful, and talented, and sweet

And I will do anything for you, just ask

I long for the chance to have fun with you

And laugh and talk and act crazy

I sometimes feel that I have failed you

That I haven’t been there like a big sister should

Haven’t been with you to protect you when things got scary

And I am so sorry for that…

Please, even though it is going to be so hard,

Please let me be your big sister now

Give me another chance, and let me do it right

Don’t turn away because of the things they say

Come to me, little sisters and let me love you…

 

What Healing Feels Like June 10, 2012

Filed under: Healing — cherishfreedom @ 10:50 am
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I have something posted up on my bedroom wall, it is from my friends Jeanne and Linda (see link at side- Persons against Non-State Toture). It is about how difficult healing from any type of Abuse and Torture can be, and what it feels like. I woke up this morning, feeling pretty shaky, and have been reading it all morning… Here is what it says:

Double torture is what healing feels like. It is:

Flashbacking

Re-enacting

Immobilizing

Running

Remembering

Witnessing

Talking

Crying

Integrating

Feeling

Knowing

Being”

Healing truly does feel like torture sometimes… it feels worse than enduring the torture and abuse did at the time it was happening. But I am still just pushing through and pushing through… I know one day I will be okay.

 

The Pace Memo- Ritual Abuse Within the Mormon Church June 9, 2012

Filed under: My Story — cherishfreedom @ 11:40 am
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I will let this website link speak for itself, as I am quite emotional about this topic at the moment. All I have to say is, this is what happened to me. It is real. The mormon church has been covering it up for decades. I am sharing this information on my blog because I know that there are other women somewhere out there who are also trying to escape this torture and abuse, and I want them to know they are not alone… I also want people in our world to know that things like this really do happen.

To anyone who doesn’t believe this, that is fine. I am not trying to convince people who are not interested. My purpose is to educate people who ARE interested, and hopefully to reach out to other women who have also been abused as I have.

Here is the link to the Pace memo, which explains ritual abuse within the mormon church, as I have experienced it:

http://www.utlm.org/newsletters/no80.htm

 

Shouldn’t be Scared to Speak Out… June 8, 2012

Filed under: Healing — cherishfreedom @ 8:51 pm
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Sometimes I feel so small, speaking out against the abuse I have suffered, and I get so scared. I have been called crazy and a liar my whole life. The people calling me crazy and a liar, many of them are supposedly “credible”. My story sounds too hard to believe to some people, and I know most people would rather not believe it. Rebecca’s story sounds too hard to belive too… but she is gone, and nobody can deny what happened to her. The problem is, nobody really investigated the full story. And after listening to the parole hearing, I feel scared all over again about the repercussions of speaking out against my abusers. I have been threatened many times and in many different ways… The truth is supposed to set you free, but as I know from my experiences with the police, justice is not always served… The truth does not always come out. People do not aways believe the truth. People do not always help the victims. The victims are often (maybe even ususally) too scared to speak out. And definately too scared to speak out publicly. I am feeling very nervous about my blog tonight, and fighting that feeling because I have a right to tell my story! It’s just that they have hurt me in so many ways in the past, and I am NEVER sure what they will do next…

It should be safe to just tell my story, shouldn’t it??? I am so frustrated that I feel this anxious about speaking the truth… I am not even identifying myself or my abusers, but I am still scared. What to do…

 

Ferosa Bluff Parole Hearing Recording (Link)

Filed under: Rebecca Bluff — cherishfreedom @ 6:29 pm
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A friend just sent me this link… The parole hearing for Rebecca’s mother took place in October 2010, and I didn’t know this but apparently there is a recording of it… here is the link…  I am shaking. I haven’t gotten up the courage to listen to it yet. This is bringing up many old memories for me… But for anyone who is interested, please listen, and comment…

http://fruhwirth.podbean.com/2011/02/16/ferosa-bluff-parole-hearing/

 

Runaway Reflection 2003

Filed under: Poetry — cherishfreedom @ 2:08 pm
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In this lonely, empty room

Sitting here all by myself

Waiting for a friendly face

Who can help me sort this out.

All the troubles I have had

Seem so much, when will they end?

Sometimes crying, hurts inside

Need someone to be my friend.

Guess I thought to run away

Somehow could make the feelings stop

All the tears I cannot shed

From my eyes just need to drop.

Trying to have hope that now

Somebody can see my pain

I know that there must be a way

To make myself feel whole again.

Putting all my faith in you

Faceless, nameless, I have not met

You can help me with this pain

And someday I’ll be okay.

Laughing, happy I can be

Looking to the future it’s clear

I can have a normal life

Where I don’t have to feel such fear.

— April 2003

I wrote this the first time I tried to run across the country and disappear… I was so much younger, more naive, and more brainwashed then, but my feelings then are still very much the same as now. I have grown up a lot in the last ten years however, and become SO much stronger. I have discovered a lot more of who I am. I have only recently started to feel less alone, but that to me is probably the biggest step I have been able to take. Trusting anyone is so difficult, but I so badly want to have supportive people around me! I did then, and I still do today…