Cherish Freedom

My Healing Journey From Mormon Ritual Abuse To Freedom

Fucking Rage…. December 13, 2012

Filed under: Healing,PTSD — cherishfreedom @ 8:58 pm
Tags: , ,

So full of rage, so full of grief, so full of loss and sadness, and fucking RAGE…. The last week so many people have been triggering my rage, and I have been thinking about all my many different abusers, and I just want to fucking hurt them so bad. I don’t even feel like a person anymore, I am just a ball of horrible emotion, and memories, and am somehow surviving and getting through. I don’t know what is keeping me going, I want to die most minutes of the day. Die or fucking punish them…. I don’t know how to punish them. I cry, puke, pace, can’t sit still or focus, can’t eat, then go numb for awhile. Then the memories come again and the feelings that are magnified 100 times what they should be and I want to die again, or kill my abusers… The rage, grief, loss, is all a jumble and its all too much. I don’t even feel human anymore. Actually I am not sure I was ever human… there was never any measure of normalcy in my life, what the fuck is it to be human, to be a person. I think a lot of the time I am more alien pretending to be human than actually human. But anyway, here’s a song I like, its about all this shit (to me anyway…). Music (and especially the lyrics) help me, I hope you like this song…

 

 

 

ANIMAL I HAVE BECOME

By Three Days Grace

I can’t escape this hell
So many times I’ve tried
But I’m still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal!
This animal, this animal

I can’t escape myself
So many times I’ve lied
But there’s still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become

Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can’t escape this hell

This animal, this animal
This animal, this animal
This animal, this animal
This animal

So what if you can see the darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become

Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal!
This animal I have become

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