I have been thinking so much in the last two weeks about what I really need to do MYSELF to heal. I am still struggling with finding the support I need from other people, so I have finally realized it has to come from me, as much as I feel at times confused about what to do. I have been doing so much soul searching, spending a lot of time with myself, in my own head. The process has been EXTREMELY difficult for me, and I am still struggling daily, but I am finally feeling a sense of hope and control over my own life! I need to continue to remind myself constantly of my potential and my goals, and always that I am the only one who can truly heal myself. I need support, but no one can do it for me.
A few updates on what has happened to me since my last post on my psychiatric commitment January 2-8 2013. That time the psychiatrist rapidly detoxed me off of all of my medications (which was extremely bad for me mentally and physically….). So I ended up WAY more depressed than I even was before, and extremely suicidal so again ended up committed February 8-12, which was once again PURE HELL, and the same psychiatrist put me back on almost all the same meds!! Anyway, I played the “game” while I was committed better this time and was let out in 4 days instead of 6.
So now, the goal is to stay out of the hospital at ALL COSTS because it is horribly traumatic and all I am is a human chemical experiment. I am traumatized and psychologically abused in there. Locked up and forcibly medicated, forced to be silent and become a human chemical experiment which is still going haywire. I saw my actual psychiatrist yesterday however (who FINALLY understands what is really going on with me, to an extent), and we all agree that the hospital is the last place I ever need to be, which is amazing.
The reason that my psychiatrist and my mental health case manager FINALLY realized the seriousness of my “mental health crisis” now, is that I decided to share with them some of my art and the song lyrics which I posted yesterday (Dumped in the Wrong Womb). It seemed to touch them both on a deep level emotionally which was powerful for me to see.
I was very angry that my psychiatrist hasn’t been there for me in months, and all of a sudden he seems to understand and really want to help me out now. He is going out of his way to help me, which is like a miracle in his profession and this health care system… I asked him what changed, and I asked my mental health worker what changed. They said what changed is that I showed them my art and that finally, FINALLY made them understand what I have been trying so hard to communicate for so long… It seems like a miracle to me…
My drawing, painting, collaging, colouring, knitting, crocheting, sewing, beading, music, poetry, journaling and blogging, are the KEYS to my healing. And I have realized that they are the KEYS to helping others understand me and to reach out to others. I want to focus my life on these activities for now, until I have found a truly capable therapist who can work with me on my trauma and my past. I want to share what I can, and what is safe, on my blog. I want to educate others through my blog. And most of all, I want to reach out to others like me through my blog. WE ARE NOT ALONE!!!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!
I am going to continue to write, blog, do my art in all its forms in order to express myself and heal myself. I finally have hope again. It was a LIE that the cult told me, that I had to kill myself, and I WONT believe it anymore!!!
So don’t worry about me, I am going to be around fighting for a very long time!
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