Cherish Freedom

My Healing Journey From Mormon Ritual Abuse To Freedom

To Rebecca October 20, 2012

Filed under: Healing,My Story,Rebecca Bluff,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 8:20 pm
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 My Dear Sweet Little Rebecca,


You will always be little, for you were taken from this world when you were only three years old. I knew you for only a short time, but I was involved in the cult that you were born into too… The abuses that you suffered, I suffered as well. Rebecca, you were so special, I knew  you in dark times, but you and I and Sarah spent some beautiful hours together in the country, playing. I was still a kid, you were three and I was thirteen. And beautiful little Sarah was just two. I still have some pages out of a colouring book that the three of us coloured together, and I cherish those… they are already yellowing, after fourteen years, but I am saving them, they are the only part of you I still have. I keep your picture safe and look at it often. And every single year on the date of your death I do something special to remember you Rebecca…I never ever forget you on October 21. For the last thirteen years I have remembered you on this day, and tomorrow I will remember you too…I remember you every day Rebecca…but I always do something special on October 21.


Your death and your story has affected me in ways I can’t even describe…What you went through…I went through too. I have wondered so many times why some of us children die and some live, when we all go through the same things, basically… I have wished it was me that died, I have felt guilty for living, and felt guilty, for wishing it was me who died…I know you are safe and happy and ok now Rebecca… I just want you to know I remember you every day…


I know that you are watching over your sister Sarah…. I remember Sarah every day as well as you… I have wondered where she is this whole time. I have been praying for her, hoping she is ok, hoping she is happy… I wish I could see her, make sure she is ok myself… I think about her all the time, every day. I know you are ok now Rebecca, but I have never known what has happened to Sarah. I know she wouldn’t remember me, but I still care about her, and think about her, and hope that she is safe and happy and not alone… I remember Sarah every year on October 21 as well because something happened to her too that has changed her life… I hope she knows that there are people that remember, there are people who care, and people who think about her. I send you my thoughts and prayers Sarah….I hope you know you are not alone…and I remember…


Rebecca, I am sorry about what happened to you. I am sorry that you were born into a situation where your family was involved in such evil things, you had to suffer such torment and die at their hands… I am sorry that you were all alone during your last weeks, and you had no one to comfort you and take care of you and make you feel better… I am sorry that the world wasn’t a safe place for you, even as a little baby, and that you never even had a chance to be a little girl, or a teenager, or a woman… I am sorry that it was your own mommy who hurt you, and killed you, and I am so so sorry that she wasn’t there when you needed her to protect you and take care of you and help you…. I am sorry that it took so much pain and brutality for you to die… I am sorry that even years after your murder, your family is denying what they really did to you…


Rebecca, I love you and I will never ever forget you for the rest of my life… I think about you every single day, and I think about your little sister Sarah every day too. I have a tattoo of dandelions on my right arm, where I see it everyday, and that is partly because of, and for you Rebecca… I know you are safe and happy now. Please look out for your little sister…I will remember you tomorrow, like I do every year. I love you Rebecca.


October Abuse Memories… October 14, 2012

Filed under: Abuse,My Story,PTSD,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 5:02 pm
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You haunt my life, even though you’re far away from me now. Every night I have nightmares of the abuses, the torture. Every day I have flashbacks of the horrors you put me through, and memories that invade all the parts of my life I am trying to make “normal”. I am so sad, I think. I feel a heaviness in my chest and a lump in my throat but most of the time I can’t even cry. I am what they call “depressed”, that is for sure, though I have become so practiced at hiding it most of those around me don’t know. My lifetime of abuse ended almost a year and a half ago. But life still feels like hell, just in a different way…


To my dad, to my mom, to my grandparents, to all my abusers….you have lost me, you will never get me back to abuse again. I don’t believe your lies anymore, I am not brainwashed anymore, and I will never again come back to your cult, your church, or your so-called “family”. But what you did to me, those 26 years of abuse…. that will never leave me. The abuse, the horrors, the torure, the isolation, and the terrors you put me through didn’t change me. It made me who I am. I have no idea who I might have been if it were not for being daily abused and being raised in a cult. If it were not for being a victim of child pornography and child prostitution, a victim of physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and sexual abuse and torture. I would not be ME at all….


October is the hardest month for me and you know why… my birthday, so many dates and birthdays and “celebrations” and reminders of horrible and traumatic things that have happened to me throughout my whole life. I drag myself through the days…plaster on a happy face when I have to, take anxiety pills, sometimes more than I should because I just cannot deal with life anymore and need to pass out NOW…. I’m not suicidal, it’s just too much for one person to deal with in their head…. Too many memories of abuse, too many years… And too much loneliness, homesicknes even. Too much sadness and anger and shame. Too much exhaustion. Too many memories… Too much pain and not enough….. not enough of I don’t even know what…..