Cherish Freedom

My Healing Journey From Mormon Ritual Abuse To Freedom

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder September 30, 2013

Filed under: Abuse,Poetry,PTSD — cherishfreedom @ 9:14 pm
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Memories of times past

Times when safety wasn’t possible

But I had the ones I love around me

Missing, missing, missing you all…

The tears only fall when I think of you

 

I had a home, my heart is still there

I had a family, just me and my sisters

I had my land, the place I was born

Had no idea how much I am connected to it

Til I couldn’t be there anymore

 

Used to feel hope that I

I, could make my life beatiful

That it was possible for me, ME

To be happy in this existence

 

Hope comes and goes now

Experience has taught that some people

Don’t get to experience happiness

Peace, safety, love, freedom

Some people…. am I one?

 

Exhaustion, Depression, Despair, Hopelessness,

Grief, Heartbreak, Loneliness, Terror, Sickness

Doesn’t matter the name

The demons go by at any given moment

They debilitate me. I feel less than human.

I want to go somewhere better…

 

 

 

 

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Moving and Feeling Safe September 6, 2013

Filed under: Healing,My Story — cherishfreedom @ 8:52 am
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Hello to all my friends and readers! I have been MIA for quite awhile because my housing situation ended up being utter HELL…. but that’s a story (or many stories!) for another time. I have been thinking about my blog obsessively lately because I have wanted so badly to be writing and connecting with people over these last months. Now that I have moved into my own great place, I am more free to write what I want and need to write. Also, I have internet connection at home, which helps a lot!!!

 

So… at this point in my life I guess I am at a major turning point. When I moved away from my family and the abuse over two years ago, I thought that was the start of my new, safe and free life. But it turns out life threw me another crazy surprise (and I HATE surprises), and these last two years have been a period of ending my old life so I can begin my new. I guess the universe figured I had more hard lessons to learn before I was ready to really be free… Well, I get it!!! I am sick of being smashed in the head by life, so I am trying to learn all my lessons!!! Don’t send any more universe, please….. Hahaha. Anyway, I am feeling hopeful about the direction my life is taking now, and I have many, many plans and goals.

 

At this point I am trying to wrap my mind around the thought of a house/place I live that actually feels SAFE. And like HOME. What is home anyway? That’s what I keep asking myself. I’ve never lived in a place that was actually safe AND where I felt safe. Feeling safe is the hard part, when you’ve got lifelong trauma, or so I’ve heard… I am pretty sure that my new place is physically safe. But I have no idea how long til I can FEEL safe anywhere. Even in my own body. Feeling quite unsure as to what exactly to do now. It’s hard to relax and feel calm. And even harder to get out and get stuff like grocery shopping done…. But I am trying, working, thinking, praying everyday that I will know the right things to do, and that I will stay on my path. The red road….the road of recovery and healing.