Cherish Freedom

My Healing Journey From Mormon Ritual Abuse To Freedom

This is a Mountain November 22, 2012

Filed under: Abuse,Healing,My Story,Poetry,PTSD,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 8:44 pm
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It’s all hitting me now

A whole life of abuse

Thought it’d be easier

Once I got safe

But no… once the safety sets in

Once the healing starts

Twenty-Six years

of incest, torture, rape, beatings

Terror, running, hiding, floating away

Isolation, insanity, brainwashing, confusion

It all smashes me in the face…

And I am paralyzed

Completely shocked in every way

Horrified, Overwhelmed

Wondering if it is possible

to ever, ever feel happiness, to be ok

to not be consumed by the abuse

or the memories of the abuse

or the effects of the trauma

Because it is so all-encompassing

I cannot even imagine a fucking

light at the end of the tunnel

This is more than “depression”

This is more than “anxiety”

This is more than “anorexia”

This is more than “PTSD”

This is a mountain…. and right now

I am paralyzed at the bottom of it.

Twenty-Six years… A whole lifetime….

Where do I start?

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Demons November 18, 2012

Filed under: Abuse,My Story,Poetry,PTSD,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 5:02 pm
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Demons whisper in my ear

You can’t escape, we are here.

Demons yelling in my room

There is no hiding, they’ll be here soon.

Demons screaming in my head

Fuck this shit, I want to be dead.

The demons follow everywhere I go

It’s my secret, I don’t tell a soul.

The spies of the cult, my family, my dad

They watch me, report me, and plan my punishment.

These demons are bigger

and stronger and scarier.

And the secrets stay locked up inside my heart…

Trying to tell myself the demons are in me,

not outside.

But it’s so hard to tell

Because I believe in real demons too

after what I’ve seen…

I don’t know what is happening but

it’s hard to have a real conversation

about demons

with anyone…

They will just think I am crazy.

 

Life Lately November 17, 2012

Filed under: Healing,My Story,PTSD — cherishfreedom @ 10:33 am
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I haven’t been writing in what seems like forever because this depression has taken such a hold on me… The minutes seem like hours, yet the days meld together and I have no idea how long I have felt this badly. Is it weeks, months, forever? In reality I have been away from a lifetime of abuse for less than two years, so a life of safety is foreign to me. People ask me how I got out of my depressions in the past but how can I compare anything about my life now to my life then, when I was still being abused? In the past what usually triggered the darkest episodes of depression for me were the most traumatic experiences of abuse. But this time I don’t really know what has triggered this depression. This time nothing I am trying to do to make myself feel better is working, I just feel like SHIT and I am completely out of ideas as to how to make the depression stop. I feel like I am falling deeper and deeper into the pit every day, and losing my hope more and more, and I am fucking EXHAUSTED….

My anorexia has also made a harsh comeback…I have struggled with anorexia since I was 12 years old, but I have been doing really well with it over the past 5 years or so. It sometimes flares up a bit when things are hard and I am stressed out, but I can keep it under control. But this time its out of control, and it snuck up on me like eating disorders do… In a way I don’t give a fuck, I am sort of self-destructive right now, I feel like  it is something I have control over, I don’t want to eat or feel like eating, and I don’t have the energy to care. In another way, I know it’s not helping me, but what the fuck….. I don’t have enough support….. at least I’m not a drug addict or something….. and how can I eat normally when my eating disorder is a SYMPTOM of my actual issues, and I am not able to really deal with my actual issues fully right now??? (my actual issues are PTSD from the lifetime of incest and ritual abuse)

Anyway…I absolutely HATE being depressed, I am so sick of it. I am trying everything I can think of to make myself feel better, things that usually work (e.g. art, reading, cleaning, spending time with friends, my cat, going for walks, writing…..). These things aren’t even working anymore and I am just so fucking tired and depressed I feel like my BRAIN isn’t even working anymore most of the time… I am getting through the days and doing what I have to do, but just barely. I am so sick of this, I have been depressed my whole life it seems…  Where the fuck is the light at the end of the tunnel????

 

Favorite Song…”Fuckin Perfect” November 11, 2012

Filed under: Healing — cherishfreedom @ 7:39 pm
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FUCKIN PERFECT by PINK

Made a wrong turn once or twice

Dug my way out, blood and fire

Bad decisions, that’s alright

Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood

Miss ‘No way, it’s all good’

It didn’t slow me down.

Mistaken, always second guessing

Underestimated, look I’m still around

Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel

Like you’re less than fucking perfect

Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel

Like you’re nothing, you’re fucking perfect to me

You’re so mean when you talk

About yourself. You were wrong.

Change the voices in your head

Make them like you instead.

So complicated,

Look happy, You’ll make it!

Filled with so much hatred

Such a tired game

It’s enough, I’ve done all I could think of

Chased down all my demons

I’ve seen you do the same

Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel

Like you’re less than fucking perfect

Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel

Like you’re nothing, you’re fucking perfect to me

The whole world’s scared so I swallow the fear

The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer

So cool in line and we try try try but we try too hard

And it’s a waste of my time.

Done looking for the critics, cause they’re everywhere

They don’t like my jeans, they don’t get my hair

Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time

Why do we do that, why do I do that (why do I do that)?

(Yeah)

I’m Pretty, pretty, pretty

Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel

Like you’re less than fucking perfect

Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel

Like you’re nothing, you’re fucking perfect to me.

 

 

Depression November 10, 2012

Filed under: Healing,My Story,PTSD — cherishfreedom @ 8:59 am
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I have fallen into another pit of depression, the rays of hope are getting smaller and smaller. I am so used to this feeling of depression, hopelessness, exhaustion, aloneness, defeat. This feeling, although it retreats to the background at times, has always followed me, like a demon in the shadows, throughout my whole life. This depression is the despair and defeat and aloneness I feel when all the trauma I have been through becomes too much. When it all becomes too much in my head, and I can’t get it out, and I can’t stop thinking about it, and I can’t talk about it, and it’s just there. The pain and the torment and the memories of all the 26 years of the abuse are just stuck inside me and I can’t handle it anymore, and I can’t get it out. And all the positive things I am doing to try and make myself feel better aren’t working, so the demons of depression, hopelessness, and isolation just jump on my fucking back and before I know it I am so depressed I can barely function…

Struggling through the days, I am reminding myself each day that this time, things are different. Even though I am depressed, at least I am safe and not being abused anymore. Even though I think about suicide, at least I have a beautiful apartment, and I am not homeless anymore. Even though I have nightmares every night and wake up terrified, my pillow soaked with tears, at least I have my beautiful cat Sage there for comfort there, instead of my father coming into my bed. Even though I am too depressed and anxious to go out most days lately, at least I have the freedom now to go out when I want. And when I go out now, I don’t have to be scared anymore about being followed or abducted by my abusers.

Depression is hell. PTSD and healing from ritual abuse feels worse than hell… But at least, this time, things are different. At least now, I am not being abused anymore.

 

Happy 51st Birthday dad… November 7, 2012

Filed under: Abuse,My Story,Poetry,PTSD — cherishfreedom @ 9:31 pm
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Happy Birthday dad, as they say…

I’ve been thinking about you all day

How all those years growing up

You said you never wanted a gift

Just love

 

Just love from your little girl

Just love– but you meant

fucking

choking

raping

bleeding

sticky

and me floating on the ceiling…

 

Wait, was that love???

That was my birthday gift

to you, every year dad

I didn’t have a choice

Tried to make you things, buy you things

That you would love…

More than you would love my

little body.

 

But happy birthday dad

You always just wanted love

and you just got your little girl’s

soul.