I tell my story over and over and over again because I hope and pray that someday, someone will hear it and actually DO something about it. I tell my story not for me, but for the hundreds, and maybe thousands of children (and now adults) who are and have been abused within the mormon church, and have never been able to tell their own stories. I tell my story because for some reason, I have always had the words to speak about the abuse, unlike some victims of the mormon ritual abuse-torture. I tell my story because it is so WRONG that pedophiles are allowed to hide behind a so-called “religion” in order to have children, only to torture and abuse them, and raise them to have their own children which they are meant to torture and abuse. I tell my story because I hope and hope and hope….that telling my story maybe, one day…might help one of the other little girls like me—who are trapped and scared, and trying to escape.
I have been telling my story, in one way or another for 20 years. I am soooo tired of telling my story to so many people, and having NOTHING be done about it…. I am haunted every day by the faces, voices, and cries of the children I know are still trapped within the mormon ritual abuse group that I have finally escaped. Sometimes I think about going back, because I can’t see how I am helping them here and now… Telling my story to people here, to outsiders like police, journalists, child welfare authorities, health care workers….none of it yields any results for the victims who are still trapped, including many of my family members. I think sometimes that if I went back maybe I could at least comfort some of those little kids, or run away with them. Why am I here, safe, and they are still trapped and being tortured and abused? I dont always want this…I don’t feel like I deserve to be safe when they are not. And how can I rest and be at peace if I cannot help them too???
I thought that when I got away and told the truth that people would care and help me DO SOMETHING!!! This is horrible right?? Little kids are being hurt, people should care about this right? People should protect little kids and save them if they’re being hurt, RIGHT???? The world doesn’t work like that, and I really hate the world on days like today…
How am I supposed to make people take action? First they want me to prove it…but if they automatically disbelieve me because it sounds too crazy then where does that leave me? Where does that leave those little kids? Fuck I feel like giving up, I don’t know how to prove this whole thing… I wish I knew where the other survivors were, I know there are others like me out there, but they are probably like me too–in hiding and just trying to survive and get on with their lives. They have probably also been shut down by cops and authorities of all types. And their families and people around them have probably also tried to make them look crazy for a long time too… I don’t know the answer to any of this.
All I know is this… I tell my story because I think people should know that within the mainstream Mormon church, there is a group of people that ritually abuse and torture kids and women. Their own children, their own wives. I need to clarify, they are not satan worshippers (as it says in the Pace Memo–the Pace Memo says a lot of things that are not entirely accurate). These people are simply evil as far as I can tell. They are evil and they are pedophiles. And they have a great cover, the mormon church is huge, is a “family oriented religion” with a LOT of kids to abuse….The mormon church has a LOT of money, to pay people off if they try to expose the abuse (I know for a fact the mormon church has paid people off to avoid publicity in abuse cases). And the mormon church has a LOT of strange beliefs which are twisted and contorted in order to terrify and control, and use in the ritual part of the abuse. Not all mormons are involved in the ritual abuse and not all mormons know about it. BUT WITHIN THE MORMON CHURCH THERE IS A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE INVOLVED IN RITUALLY ABUSING CHILDREN.
I was one of these children. I am not being abused anymore. But children are still being abused by them every day. And I feel like the world doesn’t give a shit. And I fucking hate the world for it…..