Cherish Freedom

My Healing Journey From Mormon Ritual Abuse To Freedom

I TOLD about the abuse when I was a KID August 29, 2012

Filed under: Abuse,Mormonism,My Story,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 6:09 pm
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Breathe, breathe, I’m supposed to breathe, and be in the moment. In the moment things are ok, I am ok. Except I’m not ok. I don’t feel fucking ok, not at all. Not at fucking all… It’s not only that my mind won’t stop replaying over and over and over the abuse and torture of 26 years of abuse from my father, and being trapped in the mormon ritual abuse group my whole life. Not only that, and all those abusers, all those abuses, all those days and nights of torment… Not only all that… But also all those evil fuckers who I told over and over again in so many ways as a kid who NEVER HELPED ME. Right now those people are the ones who are tormenting my thoughts, the ones who won’t let me breathe, the ones I want revenge on…

I’ve been silent for years now because I stopped talking. With each and every one of you I stopped talking. I tried so fucking hard as a kid, in so MANY different ways to communicate to you assholes, you people in positiions of power, you people I trusted, I should have been able to trust… I thought you would help me, believe me, save me. With each and every one of you I had hope. I was a little girl being tortured and abused, trapped, terrified, her life in danger every day. I told you, I reached out to  you. YOU COULD HAVE SAVED ME. You could have believed me… You could have asked me….

I want to make a list of who you all are, the ones of you who I actually TOLD, who really did KNOW I was being ABUSED, and covered it up. So many of you told me to be quiet, told me I was bad and needed to repent, kept me silent. I want to name you all right now, right here, publicly… Why havent I ever confronted you??? Why am I silent? You are the ones who should be ashamed!!!! You KNEW, you KNOW what is going on!!!

What would happen if I named these people, if I confronted them? What some of these people did is illegal… Fuck I am so mad right now… Fuck them…. I am sick of being silent about all of this…

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Nightmares August 27, 2012

Filed under: Abuse,My Story,Poetry,PTSD — cherishfreedom @ 7:53 am
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Wake up choking, screaming, crying

Supposed to make a life now but you’re always there

Every night you fuck me, beat me, kill me

Screaming out but no one’s around to hear

How do I explain to the people around me

What is really going on when I can’t get out of bed

You’re torturing me again, still, forever and ever

I can’t escape it– and there’s no one around who even knows

You’re still here all the time

Here with me

Haunting me

You are my nightmares

You are the evil everywhere around me

You are the reason I cry and I shake

You are the reason I live in hell

You are the reason I am alive

And the reason I wish I was dead

Thank you Daddy……

 

Hell Hat August 25, 2012

Filed under: Abuse,My Story,Poetry,PTSD,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 2:05 pm
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Picturing it so clear
Brains splattered on the wall
Fuck you fuck all of you for what you did
Can’t shut my mind off
Want to run away
Rip my skin off and leave this shit
What shit? All of it
This life these memories this existence
Can’t explain it in words, are you kidding me?!?!
Just FUCK LIFE
Its hell every day
And I get up, plaster on a happy face
Or at least a neutral face
And act like everything is fine
But the red hat is on
The one with the H- that stands for HELL
Because my head’s gonna explode
Wanna see some brains splattered all over the wall?
Wanna see brains, guts, blood, like I’ve seen?
I’ve seen stuff you will never see….
That’s why my head’s gonna explode
Fuckin hell hat….

 

“Thirteen Year Old Me…” – Pink Lyrics August 23, 2012

Filed under: Abuse,Healing,My Story — cherishfreedom @ 12:52 pm
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“Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self”

Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old self

You’re angry
I know this
The world couldn’t care less
You’re lonely
I feel this
And you wish you were the best
No teachers
Or guidance
And you always walk alone
You’re crying
At night when
Nobody else is home

Come over here and let me hold your hand and hug you darling
I promise you that it won’t always feel this bad
There are so many things I want to say to you
You’re the girl I used to be
You little heartbroken thirteen year old me

You’re laughing
But you’re hiding
God I know that trick too well
You forget
That I’ve been you
And now I’m just the shell
I promise
I love you and
Everything will work out fine
Don’t try to
Grow up yet
Oh just give it some time

The pain you feel is real you’re not asleep but it’s a nightmare
But you can wake up anytime
Oh don’t lose your passion or the fighter that’s inside of you
You’re the girl I used to be
The pissed off complicated thirteen year old me

Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old self

Until we meet again
Oh I wish you well oh
I wish you well
Little girl
Until we meet again
Oh
I wish you well
Little girl
I wish you well
Until we meet again
My little thirteen year old me

 

Heart Tree August 21, 2012

Filed under: Healing — cherishfreedom @ 8:16 am
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Image

Trees are my comfort, my peace, my safety. I have such a strong, close connection with trees, and I always have. As a child, I would climb trees and hide for hours and even if my parents knew where I was, they couldn’t get to me. When I was little, I had a tree that I named and decided she was my mother instead of my human mother.I have always talked to the trees, hugged the trees, gone to trees when I needed to cry, or think. When I take pictures outdoors, it is mostly of trees. When I go for walks, I look at the trees. I just love them so much, and I know they love me back…

I found this tree in West Virginia, and I call it my Heart Tree. I always keep this picture up in my house, to remind me of the love I have for the trees and they have for me. I hope you all like this picture too!

 

Writing isn’t going to hurt me August 16, 2012

Filed under: Abuse,Healing,My Story,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 9:54 am
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I have been writing much more on my blog lately, and that is because there is so much going on for me emotionally and I really don’t have many people to talk to in real life. I need a way to get things out, but more importantly, by blogging, I am finally TRULY finding my voice. I am openly speaking the truth.

 

It is a strange thing, telling such personal parts of my story on the internet. I am still in some ways “anonymous”, but if anyone that actually knows me reads this, they will recognize me right away. I have been telling my story, in bits and pieces to SO MANY people, for SO MANY years, and have been disbelieved, ignored, and silenced. Lately, I have had quite a few people I know warn me to be careful about what I write in my blog because they “don’t want me to get hurt”.

 

I say, what the hell do you mean by that??? My whole LIFE I’ve been hurt, every time, I’ve tried to tell my story!! My whole LIFE I’ve been silenced, and this is the very first time I’ve been allowed to tell my story any way I want and need to, in my own time, and people are actually listening to it!!!  I know that the people who care about me are worried that I will get negative feedback on my blog, that people won’t believe me or will say hurtful things, or that my abusers will find me through it. But, oh my god, NOTHING could EVER come close to what has happened to me in the past…

 

Nothing that anyone can say to me through my blog or because of my blog can hurt me the way people hurt me as a child, when I tried to tell them about the abuse and they betrayed me. My abusers have said and done every terrible thing I can imagine, and I am so much stronger than them now… there is absolutely nothing they can do as a result of my blog that can hurt me anymore.

 

Because I am writing the truth on my blog. Nobody can stop me from writing about it, and telling my story anymore. And nothing anybody says can hurt me any more than what they have already done!!! I’ve been through HELL, and all before the age of… lets say 20. So, to my friends who are worried about me getting hurt through writing, don’t worry. This blog is what I need right now, it’s the most important thing I have in my healing. And I am still hoping and praying that I will be able to help other girls like me by writing about it too.

 

I can’t be the only one who cares… August 14, 2012

Filed under: Abuse,My Story,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 8:34 am
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So lonely, so lonely, so fucking lonely… My head just hurts with all the memories clamoring around in it… it feels like its going to explode and I wish I had a friend I could talk to, could REALLY talk to about all of this… I wish I knew someone else in this world who had been through the same things and gotten away… I know there are people like me out there, but I wish I had a friend like that HERE with me… I feel so alone, I feel like such a freak. This abuse, this torture… Ritual abuse is something so many people don’t even believe… I can’t even verbalize so much of it, I want to feel understood… I don’t know if there are people reading my blog who have been through ritual abuse too. If there are then you understand what I am feeling right now. If I hadn’t been through it, if I didn’t remember it so fucking vividly, with every fibre of my being…maybe I wouldnt’ believe it either…

 

For those of you who haven’t been through it and are reading this, I want to ask you some questions. Do you care? Do you believe that ritual abuse is real? What are you willing to do about it? Are you willing to?

–  read more information about it on my blog?

– research more about it on the internet?

– tell someone you know about it, and educate them about ritual abuse?

– care about victims of ritual abuse, and maybe commit some time and effort to helping us?

 

I have felt soooo alone for my whole life as a victim of this abuse, and it is because people in the world don’t know about it, and haven’t believed me. Maybe…I hope…that my blog might help some people realize that there is really horrible shit like this happening in our world. There are still little kids being abused by these people, and babies being born to them… just because I am an adult right now doesn’t mean its over… and I, as one person, feel so small and alone trying to get the world to give a fuck about this situation…