Cherish Freedom

My Healing Journey From Mormon Ritual Abuse To Freedom

Update on my “Mental Health” Situation February 15, 2013

Filed under: Healing,My Story,Psychiatry,PTSD,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 3:25 pm
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I have been thinking so much in the last two weeks about what I really need to do MYSELF to heal. I am still struggling with finding the support I need from other people, so I have finally realized it has to come from me, as much as I feel at times confused about what to do. I have been doing so much soul searching, spending a lot of time with myself, in my own head. The process has been EXTREMELY difficult for me, and I am still struggling daily, but I am finally feeling a sense of hope and control over my own life! I need to continue to remind myself constantly of my potential and my goals, and always that I am the only one who can truly heal myself. I need support, but no one can do it for me.

A few updates on what has happened to me since my last post on my psychiatric commitment January 2-8 2013. That time the psychiatrist rapidly detoxed me off of all of my medications (which was extremely bad for me mentally and physically….). So I ended up WAY more depressed than I even was before, and extremely suicidal so again ended up committed February 8-12, which was once again PURE HELL, and the same psychiatrist put me back on almost all the same meds!! Anyway, I played the “game” while I was committed better this time and was let out in 4 days instead of 6.

So now, the goal is to stay out of the hospital at ALL COSTS because it is horribly traumatic and all I am is a human chemical experiment. I am traumatized and psychologically abused in there. Locked up and forcibly medicated, forced to be silent and become a human chemical experiment which is still going haywire. I saw my actual psychiatrist yesterday however (who FINALLY understands what is really going on with me, to an extent), and we all agree that the hospital is the last place I ever need to be, which is amazing.

The reason that my psychiatrist and my mental health case manager FINALLY realized the seriousness of my “mental health crisis” now, is that I decided to share with them some of my art and the song lyrics which I posted yesterday (Dumped in the Wrong Womb). It seemed to touch them both on a deep level emotionally which was powerful for me to see.

I was very angry that my psychiatrist hasn’t been there for me in months, and all of a sudden he seems to understand and really want to help me out now. He is going out of his way to help me, which is like a miracle in his profession and this health care system… I asked him what changed, and I asked my mental health worker what changed. They said what changed is that I showed them my art and that finally, FINALLY made them understand what I have been trying so hard to communicate for so long… It seems like a miracle to me…

My drawing, painting, collaging, colouring, knitting, crocheting, sewing, beading, music, poetry, journaling and blogging, are the KEYS to my healing. And I have realized that they are the KEYS to helping others understand me and to reach out to others. I want to focus my life on these activities for now, until I have found a truly capable therapist who can work with me on my trauma and my past. I want to share what I can, and what is safe, on my blog. I want to educate others through my blog. And most of all, I want to reach out to others like me through my blog. WE ARE NOT ALONE!!!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!

I am going to continue to write, blog, do my art in all its forms in order to express myself and heal myself. I finally have hope again. It was a LIE that the cult told me, that I had to kill myself, and I WONT believe it anymore!!!

So don’t worry about me, I am going to be around fighting for a very long time!

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Psychiatric Hell- My Perspective on Being Committed January 11, 2013

Filed under: My Story,Psychiatry,PTSD — cherishfreedom @ 5:16 pm
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This story is going to have to be a multi-part story, as so much has happened to me in the last three weeks or so that it will take awhile to tell. And my story needs to be told. This story needs to be told and I want to scream it to the world.

 

In short, I have been struggling with a deep depression, my eating disorder, and many other triggers and difficult memories from the past for a few months now. Things have been getting harder and harder for me to cope with and I wasn’t even sure why. I finally reached the end of my rope on January 2, and overdosed on quite a lot of my prescription medications.

 

I was forcibly and legally committed to the hospital for 6 days, and it was hell… I need to write everything I remember here about the whole experience because I feel that it was so wrong in so many ways. It was torture for me to be there, and my supposed “treatment” was insane…..

 

So, that’s it for now, I am going to write about my experiences as I am able. Still feeling very tired, weak, and mentally exhausted from everything that has been happening, but I AM going to post the entire “crazy” hospital incarceration I went through, as well as the art that I worked on while I was actually locked up in the hospital.

 

Thanks for reading, and thanks for your support everyone! I am Baaack!!!!!!

 

The Drug-Yourself Up Cure September 17, 2012

Filed under: Abuse,Healing,My Story,Psychiatry,PTSD,Ritual Abuse — cherishfreedom @ 2:43 pm
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Things are so intense when you’re trying to heal from ritual abuse and incest. I don’t even know a lot of times if what I am doing can be qualified as healing, it is just surviving. Living minute by minute, getting through one flashback, one memory, one nightmare. Surviving one moment, and then another. There are so many times throughout the day I ask myself why the hell I am doing this… I want to give up. But what does giving up mean? Dying, committing suicide is the ultimate giving up, and I do think about that still, although I am almost positive now that I won’t actually kill myself. I could give up the “positive” things I am doing in my life, and give in to the depression, just stay in bed or something. But I don’t think that would work, my anxiety is too intense for that. So…giving up is not an option at this point. But I’m so fucking exhausted and I want a break!!!

 

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist last week. Some history on psychiatrists and I: I’ve had involvement with them for the last 15 years of my life, with almost none of that involvement being good or helpful to me. Psychiatrists, when I was a child, were part of the reason I was never believed when I told about the abuse, was never rescued, and was labelled mentally ill instead of abused. As a result I generally HATE psychiatry and psychiatrists, and it takes A LOT for me to trust one. However, the psychiatrist I see now is one of the very rare exceptions who listens to me, understands trauma and PTSD, and has actually helped me a great deal over the past 9 months. When I saw him last week I told him honestly that I was “gonna lose my shit” (lol) and my anxiety/flashbacks/nightmares were just getting worse and worse. He did a sort of intervention and increased one of my meds. The increase is quite a lot, and I feel conflicted about it… I am not taking as much as I am allowed to take, but it makes me tired and drugged up. Takes the anxiety away, but its frustrating as fuck to feel all zombified just because you’re trying not to have panic attacks all day long… It’s been a rough week… I go from wicked panic attacks, to total frustration and tiredness. It’s hard to figure out which is worse sometimes. At least I’m used to being a panicky mess, hahaha…

 

Is this actually healing??? I feel like what I really need is to talk a lot of shit through, but the problem is I don’t have the right people with enough time to talk about all the things I need to get off my chest… Drugging myself up is keeping me out of the psych ward, but this feeling sucks too… I need a therapist I can see more than once a week for an hour. I need an art therapist. I need a group for women sexual abuse survivors (or preferably ritual abuse survivors). I need a girlfriend (I’m gay) or at least some family that I can call any time of the day or night when things get really bad… I need people I can rely on in the good times and the bad times. I need people I can talk about anything with… I don’t think that healing is drugging myself up. I know its keeping me out of the psych ward right now, but I want to DEAL WITH THIS SHIT, not numb myself out and try not to talk about it…. I want someone to listen to me… I need to tell my story, my whole story….